Fantasies are a healthy part of being human—this includes sexual fantasies, even when you’re in a monogamous relationship. Fantasies are the way your mind stays sexually creative and thinks about what is possible rather than what is actual. Creativity and sex are very closely linked, since both involve large amounts of self-expression. If you don’t feel very creative when you have sex, it could be that you’re repressing parts of yourself. Luckily, you can change that.
The Problem With Ignoring Fantasies
When you repress certain aspects of your sexuality, you admit that you know how powerful they are. If they were easy to control, they wouldn’t require repression. However, repression doesn’t make something go away. Whatever you choose to repress, whether it’s an emotion or parts of your sexual identity, remains undealt with. It’s much more fun to explore your sexuality with a trusted partner than to deny that it exists and perpetuate a shame cycle.
Repression is a reaction that is rooted in fear. Repressing something means that you are giving it the power to control you. You hide it, which can then turn into anger, embarrassment, or other emotions that people typically want to avoid. When you instead play with those parts of your sexuality, they lose their ability to dominate your identity. You realize that you are in control, and that can be very empowering.
Exposing yourself safely to what you are afraid of is a time-tested technique for dealing with fear. But there are more benefits to ending a cycle of repression than merely overcoming fear; in fact, it can help connect you with your erotic power and creativity.
Mindfulness and Creativity Are Connected
The next time you have a sexual fantasy that is uncomfortable, try something different from stuffing it down. Let it rise to the surface and experience it instead. If you have a mindfulness practice, this can come in handy. When you have these sexual fantasies, you can observe them in a state of detachment, rather than assume the sexual fantasy means something about you.
Fantasies Can Be a Safe Space
Sometimes, people have fantasies that they feel are deeply troubling, like a rape or incest fantasy. But our fantasies are separate from the choices we make and the identities we have. If you can simply understand them as part of your creative mind, you don’t have to be afraid of them. You can think of them in private without deciding that you deserve judgment or ridicule. The more you do so, the more you will learn to trust your ability to control yourself. And, if you’re feeling brave, you can share those thoughts and feelings with a partner. You just might find out that what you’re into isn’t so uncommon after all!
Further, exploring your fantasies gives you the chance to learn about yourself. When you indulge in your erotic imagination, you don’t have to do so mindlessly. You can analyze what it is about it that turns you on. If it’s not something you’d ever want to do in real life, then you can perhaps find other similar fantasies you’d like to recreate that can meet the same need. When you deny your fantasies, you deny yourself the chance to be a creative, fully expressed being in bed.
Want more tips about how to improve your sex life? Reach out to a sex therapist today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.