Shame is not only uncomfortable to experience, it also places constraints around your sexuality. Shame can force you to hide even when you have found someone that you want to share yourself with fully. Here’s how to heal from shame and start embracing your erotic side.
Where Shame Comes From
People who experience sexual shame often do so because of a few different life circumstances. Often, shame comes from harmful messaging about sex that you received as a child. Our culture operates in a largely sex-negative way, and that means most kids were told that demonstrating sexual desire was wrong or dirty. Women get different messages from men. For instance, women might be told that they shouldn’t have sexual desire at all unless they’ve met “the one,” and men might hear that their attention is unwelcome, unsettling, and should always be kept secret.
Years of being told that you should hide any sexual desires you have has made a lot of people feel pretty uncomfortable when the appropriate time comes to show desire. Many kids are told that not having sex is the morally right decision—or at least the way to err on the safe side. The focus of most sex education is how to avoid STIs, unplanned pregnancy, and assault, so it’s no wonder most people don’t have the tools to embrace their sexual nature right off the bat.
Some people feel shame because their body is different from what they’ve typically seen depicted in pornography. Others may have sexual shame due to abuse during childhood, and in that case, they should certainly seek out therapy to help them re-engage with their sexual self.
Even for people who aren’t typically ashamed of their sexuality, talking about precisely what they like in the bedroom can feel daunting. That intimidating feeling springs from the vulnerability of sharing an intimate part of yourself with someone for the first time. Moving through this phase of shame is important in order to begin healing and become a fully self-actualized, sexual being.
Moving Past Shame
After you have identified where your shame was created, you can begin to part with it. Parting with shame takes work, but it’s so worth it. Once you no longer feel shame, you can experience a new level of intimacy with your partner. There won’t be an assortment of things that you are scared to share or a level of your sexuality you hide from them.
Start by noticing the feelings that arise when you feel shame. Are you fearful? Do you feel embarrassed? Or, do you feel frustrated that you cannot express yourself? Once you can identify your emotions, communicate with yourself like you would a child that you love. Reassure yourself that there is nothing wrong with you and that you deserve to be known and loved. Then, even if you still feel fearful or ashamed, take the chance. Act on what you’re feeling, and you’ll begin to realize how much strength you gain even if the situation doesn’t go perfectly.
Another good idea is to find your community. Whether you go to therapy or open up with your friends, when you talk with those that you love about the parts of your sexuality that make you feel ashamed, the shame often loses its power. Your friends may open up to you, and often, people will leave the conversation feeling that their desires are more typical than they thought. Women may have an easier time finding a group of friends who are willing to have this vulnerable conversation, but it’s so imperative for people of any gender to find a community where they can safely discuss shame and their sexuality.
If you’d like to hear more tips about living without shame, set up an appointment with me! I can help guide you toward healthy and fulfilling ways to live up to your sexual potential.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.