Men who suffer from low libido often experience a ripple effect on their relationships. Not only does sex become more infrequent, but without communication, their partners can feel ostracized or undesirable. Part of the problem is how much our society prioritizes penetrative, heterosexual sex as the gold standard and default. Fortunately, your relationships can withstand a decreased sex drive, and you might even become closer for it.
Low Libido: What Is It
Low libido affects people in two fundamentally different ways. One is a lack of sexual thoughts; the other is diminished sexual desire—and the symptoms must bother you for six months or more to be considered a clinical disorder. The distress component is important because some individuals identify as asexual. Asexual people typically do not have sexual fantasies and desires, but this does not present a problem for them. A diminished sex drive is only treatable if your level of arousal has created a problem for you.
Low libido is also distinct from the natural decrease in your desire that happens with aging. Though menopause is well known, andropause is a much lesser-known—but still commonly experienced—life change that men go through when their testosterone production slows. If you identify as male and have had little desire for a prolonged period that doesn’t have to do with asexuality or aging, you might have male hypoactive sexual disorder.
Keep in mind that low sexual desire is not the same thing as low sexual motivation. Low sexual motivation occurs when, theoretically, you may desire sex, but when presented with the opportunity, you lack the resources (whether time, energy, or emotional) to go through with it.
Low libido is often misinterpreted as the cause of sexual problems in couples who have mismatched sexual desire. It could just be that you have a lower libido than your partner does—but your sex drive may still fall well within the range of what is considered normal.
Causes of Low Libido
Before you can treat low libido, you must first identify the cause. One common cause of low libido is SSRIs, which are prescription drugs that treat anxiety and depression. If your low libido could be linked to a prescription you’re taking, it’s worth mentioning to your doctor. Often, you can simply make a switch. In cases where SSRIs are the culprit, the problem wouldn’t be male hypoactive sexual disorder.
Next, consider the masturbation factor. If you (or your partner) can masturbate with regular frequency, but the problem of low libido arises during partnered sex, other relationship-related issues may be coming into play. Conflict within the relationship could be an issue. Some couples reach such an intimate level of familiarity that, rather than that closeness contributing to a hot sex life, the relationship requires some room to breathe before the arousal will come back. A final consideration for relational factors: there’s always the chance of an affair.
A less common but possible cause is hidden desire disorder, which applies to some people who are into fetish or kink but experience shame about their sexual desires. These people often have high sex drives but are unable to channel it into vanilla sex, so it presents as low desire. As with most relational issues, clear communication and an open-minded partner can help solve this problem and bring the heat back to your sex life.
Prior sexual abuse is also a common cause of low libido. If you or your partner experienced sexual abuse, it’s vital to work through these issues with a therapist. Moving through your feelings in a safe space can help you allow yourself to be more present in your body, move past shame or guilt issues, and open up to the possibility of being sexually vulnerable again.
Lifestyle factors may be an issue, too. Workaholics, for instance, sometimes report low libido because they’ve spent all their energy and emotional resources on their jobs. Don’t forget to assess whether religious influences may be the cause of a decreased sex drive. The messaging we receive during childhood can be so powerful that even if we don’t agree with it on a conscious level, subconsciously, the messages may be inducing shame or anxiety around sex.
Effective Treatment for Low Libido
Low libido can be effectively treated as soon as you have sorted out what is causing it. Sometimes, the best first step is to go to your doctor to get your testosterone levels tested. Once you’ve determined if the issue is physiological or psychological, you’ll know how to proceed. If the problem is physiological, your doctor can recommend treatment programs or prescriptions that will help your body boost its testosterone.
Psychology has an arsenal of tips that can help you overcome low libido, as well. For instance, engaging in sensate focus (a period of structured, mutual touching with your partner that does not involve sex or orgasm) can help take the pressure off an erection. You could also consider making a yes/no/maybe list with your partner, which can serve as a sexual “bucket list,” where you find new sexual activities that you’d like to try with each other. Other treatments include mindful flirting and seduction of your partner to increase the buildup of arousal well in advance of when you have sex. Whether working through mismatched libido or past sexual abuse, seeing a therapist can help you make definitive progress toward a more satisfying sex life with a higher level of desire. Consider finding a therapist you trust today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.