Statistics have shown that whether you enjoy hookup sex depends primarily on your gender. Women are drastically less likely to climax during a first-time encounter with a new partner, while men reach orgasm most of the time. This unfortunate “orgasm gap” continues throughout many sexual relationships. Yet more women could have an easier time getting off if they followed some of the strategies below.
Broaching the Topic
Whether you’re hooking up with someone or having sex with a new partner for the first time, it can be difficult to voice exactly what you want to have an orgasm. The reluctance to speak up affects women significantly, who are often socialized to keep their needs quiet and not inconvenience anyone. But it’s always crucial to start by advocating for yourself.
If this idea feels intimidating, you may want to use your sense of humor. Mentioning things in a lighthearted way can help you feel less like you’re demanding something from someone. It doesn’t have to be a serious, solemn discussion. However, if you feel empowered to express your needs plainly, that’s a great option, too! In the end, if you can’t comfortably state your needs, you probably aren’t in a good position to have sex with the person you’re with.
What to Talk About First
There are certain things you must mention before sex (like an STI) and others that you just want to bring up before sex. No matter what you plan to discuss, having a brief conversation before you get started is helpful for everyone involved.
If you have a sexual dysfunction like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, you could mention that you’d prefer to try some activities that don’t necessarily involve an erection. Sometimes starting with other activities can take the focus off your erection and give it the chance to arise spontaneously—rather than feeling excessive pressure to perform.
Maybe you prefer one type of touch over another. Or perhaps you need a specific kind of foreplay to reach climax. These are important needs, and you deserve to have pleasure as much as your partner does. Since most women don’t get off from penetration alone, it’s vital to spend as much time on foreplay as it is on other activities. Without it, many women don’t have a chance of climaxing. And since no one can read minds, telling your partner (even if you don’t know them well) what you like is essential to having good hookup sex. The more specific you can be, the more effectively you’ll communicate, and the more chance you’ll have of reaching orgasm.
Taking the Pressure Off
People often feel like there should be fireworks the first time they have sex because that’s the way it’s portrayed in movies, music, and books. But the truth is, sometimes good sex takes preparation and practice—which you may not have time for the first time you become intimate. If you’re both patient, you can learn each other’s bodies and grow into mind-blowing sex. Your relationship isn’t doomed to bad sex forever if it doesn’t happen spontaneously from the beginning.
When Things Go Wrong
Despite your best efforts, sometimes things will go wrong. The most important part is to keep your sense of humor. Don’t focus too much on your disappointment but recalibrate and move on to another activity. Slowing down and exploring each other’s bodies is the best part, so keep trying even if part of the encounter doesn’t go exactly how you planned.
If you’d like help having better sex, reach out to me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.