As a psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual trauma and interpersonal violence, I often get asked by patients if they will be able to enjoy sex ever again. When someone has used sex against you and has used sex as a weapon, it can be challenging to be able to move forward and have a corrective relationship with ones sexuality. For some survivors, the very idea of sex can trigger feelings of guilt, shame, fear, or sadness. Even in the context of a loving and supportive relationship, issues around sex can certainly arise.
Trauma affects everyone differently but some issues that may arise after a trauma that is sexual in nature are as follows:
· Avoiding sex or feeling a lack of desire even when you want to be sexual
· Feeling out of control of your sexuality which may involve dangerous behaviors
· Feeling distance during sex
· Feeling discomfort around being touched
· Experiencing flashbacks in response to being touched
How Can I Heal My Relationship With Sex?
While sexual assault often leaves survivors feeling out of control or confused around their sexuality, there are things people can do to work toward having a more positive relationship with their sexuality.
1. Listen to your body- often trauma survivors are at war with their bodies. Trauma recovery is about recreating safety in ones body. This may include noticing different sensations in your body, experimenting with touch with oneself or a safe partner, and getting to know what feels good and what doesn’t.
2. Sharing openly with your partner. Good sex is often about feeling a sense of safety and intimacy. By sharing openly with your partner, you can begin to develop a greater level of safety and intimacy. How much or when you share is completely up to you.
3. Having a safe word. One issue with sexual trauma is it can cause survivors to freeze and be unable to respond. This is where having a safe word can be helpful. If someone is triggered and freezes, they may not be able to fully explain what is going on but having a plan ahead of time with a safe word can be a helpful tool. It can be easier to say one word that both people understand than having to fully explain what’s happening.
4. Identify sexual activities you are not comfortable with and communicate these ahead of time. Setting boundaries with a partner can be a very empowering exercise. This is important in any relationship but becomes more important when someone has had their consent taken from them.
5. Enlisting the help of a sex therapist and trauma therapist. A trauma therapist can help you work through triggers and develop a better understanding of what is happening in your body. A sex therapist can provide you with tools and exercises to work on increasing your pleasure and experimenting sexually.
6. Be gentle with yourself. Trauma recovery is a process and it’s not always linear. Some days may feel great and some days may feel awful. Try to allow yourself space to feel all of it. While feelings can be uncomfortable, it’s through processing them that we can begin to move forward.
If you are struggling with sex after an assault and would like to know more about Shannon’s services, please reach out today for a free consultation.
Bio: Shannon McHenry is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a specialty focus in childhood trauma, rape and battering, and PTSD. She is a trauma therapist in Los Angeles and works with clients in her offices in Los Feliz and Torrance. Combining clinical experience with a passion to support women in repairing their relationships with themselves and others, she has supported many to create a long-lasting recovery from destructive behaviors. Call Shannon today to book your first appointment.