Consent is the most fundamental part of any positive sexual encounter. But our conversations about consent could use some more depth. Asking for consent isn’t as simple as it sounds—and neither is giving it. So, let’s talk about why consent shouldn’t be the only focus of sexual health education and what it would take to shift the sexual health conversation towards pleasure.
An Idealized Notion of Consent
When we ask everyone to ask for and give enthusiastic consent, we overlook the current state of sex education in many parts of the world. Most people aren’t able to say “yes!” to something they’ve never tried before and have no idea whether or not it will be pleasurable.
Further, the current conception of consent is effectively a legal formality. Your partner says yes so that you can have sex knowing that you’re not assaulting anyone. But that’s not all it takes to create a mutually satisfying experience. Enthusiastic consent doesn’t equal good sex; it can still be physically painful, upsetting, or disappointing. Yet, there’s a laser-like focus on whether your partner agreed to sex, not whether or not your partner felt sexually satisfied or enjoyed the experience overall. As a culture, it would be good to aim a bit higher for our sexual health. And it would elevate the idea of consent to sexual enjoyment, not just the legality of sex.
Trauma and Consent
The number of women that are sexually assaulted is staggering. And yet, we expect women who may have unhealed pain and lingering issues from sexual trauma to be crystal clear about their sexual wants, needs, and desires. If they are in any way unclear about their own consent, our culture believes that they are “putting themselves at risk” for further harm. But this expectation of clarity and confidence in a world rife with sexual assault is unrealistic.
Women are vulnerable to sexual assault, and yet this is something we ignore when we ask them to give enthusiastic consent. Our culture influences our sex lives, and it’s important to consider it when understanding how consent is a fraught issue for many people.
What It Takes to Give Consent
It’s a good thing that our cultural conversation about sex has shifted to include enthusiastic consent. And yet, the ability to give consent ignores a lot of women’s lived experiences. Owning and articulating sexual desires is not straightforward for women. Rape trials often use women’s words against them if they are assertive about their sexual needs, which complicates matters for many women.
Women are also discouraged from sexual exploration, and yet the expectation is that women should know what they want and ask for it in bed. Plus, sex education doesn’t always tell women and girls to expect sex to be pleasurable rather than performative. This sets women up for sexual failure, and a reshaping of the sexual education system would go a long way toward helping women realize more sexual satisfaction.
There’s also a very black and white binary of consent: your partner either agreed to sex or not. And that can be incredibly limiting in the bedroom as it doesn’t leave any room for ambiguity. Some people might be interested in something one moment, and the next moment, they are completely turned off by the same thing.
In order to further the quest toward sexual equality, we have to focus on pleasure as well as consent. And we have to acknowledge the distinct set of sexual circumstances that affect genders differently. The more nuance we can bring to sexual education, the more deeply future generations will understand it.
Moving Forward
If you’d like help working through sexual trauma or learning tips for exploring your sexuality safely, contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.