Sexual fantasies: we all have them. But how do they originate, and what do they mean? Let’s look at the science.
What the Science Has to Say About Sexual Fantasies
Psychological theory has a lot to say about what your fantasies mean about you. If you ever took a Psych 101 class, you may recall Freud talking about our sexual fantasies as a window into the desires and conflicts we had as children. Other evolutionary-focused research suggests that fantasies may have evolved to increase reproductive success, which may have some truth behind it, but it doesn’t cover the full scope of sexuality. Lastly, some schools of thought believe that sexual fantasies develop to create emotional safety and reassurance. This is an interesting take on fantasies because it considers the possibility that fantasies help us deal with our fears surrounding intimacy.
Your fantasies may help you deal with what emotions arise when you become vulnerable. You may be resolving inner conflicts when you have fantasies—without even being conscious of it. In this way, fantasies can be healing. Some research has shown that different races may have distinctive types of fantasies due to the variance in cultural norms and values. They may give you insight into hidden psychological yearnings, but sexual fantasies aren’t quite so simple. They are influenced by a galaxy of other factors like your upbringing, personality, and experiences.
Fantasies Are Normal
There is no “right” type of fantasy, and there’s nothing wrong with you if your fantasies are different than what you think of as normal. Since you may not typically discuss what you typically fantasize about, you may think you’re less normal than you are. If you watch lesbian or gay porn, you may wonder if that means you’re automatically lesbian or gay. This can be especially nerve-wracking if you were raised in a conservative or religious culture. The truth is that your fantasies may not overlap with your real-life desires. The incongruence between these two parts of your sexual blueprint can be distressing.
Common Sexual Fantasies and What They Mean
One of the most popular fantasies is having sex with multiple people. This can demonstrate a need to feel highly desired. Others may have taboo fantasies, which are often found in people who had conservative upbringings. Fantasies like this usually include breaking with societal norms and doing something unconventional like engaging in kink, fetish, or bondage play. Socially unacceptable behavior can feel dirty and be a huge turn-on for people who were not allowed to have thoughts or behaviors like this as children. Having diverse and taboo fantasies is normal and healthy, and self-acceptance is key. Feeling shame about what you want sexually is common, but it can hold you back from sexual fulfillment and pleasure. The first step toward shame reduction is to notice the sex-negative thoughts you have about your fantasies. When one of these thoughts pops into your mind, investigate it rather than accepting it as truth. Does your thought align with your values? You may need to decide whether having a pleasurable, adventurous sex life is more important to you than criticizing yourself for your natural, human desires. If these thoughts are hurting you rather than moving you toward your dream sex life, counter them.
Sexual Fantasies and Fidelity
People in long-term relationships will often fantasize about sex with people other than their partner. But this doesn’t mean that they are going to cheat! For more information on how masturbation can improve your sex life in a long-term relationship, check out my YouTube video below:
How to Learn More
If you want more information on what your fantasies mean and how to incorporate them into a healthy sex life, contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.