Think about your most vivid, enticing sexual fantasy—you might be able to explain where it came from and precisely why you find it so erotic. But, think about your strangest fantasy—can you say the same thing? Your brain is a sophisticated and intricate entity, and finding out why you are turned on by something can be difficult. As a culture, we talk about our sexual fantasies with very few people—perhaps our best friends and our partner, and nobody else. So no matter how strange your fantasy seems to you, you probably have no idea just how common it is.
Almost everyone has sexual fantasies, some of them what our culture would deem “normal” and some less than normal. But that’s just because we live in a time where sexual normality is as strictly defined as the keto diet. Whether your fantasies are typical or whether they are creative and outlandish, you may want to explore some of them with your partner because fantasies can enhance your sex life in surprising ways.
Why Sexual Fantasies Are Good for Us
Sexual fantasies are good for us because they allow us to explore the boundaries of our sexuality without getting hurt. For instance, one ubiquitous fantasy is having a threesome. Many people like to think, talk, or fantasize about this during sex with their partner without actually wanting to engage in a threesome. Explicit communication with your partner is vital to conveying what ideas you are comfortable exploring in a hypothetical sense, and which you’d like to try in real life.
Sexual Fantasies That Scare Us
Even if it’s your sexual fantasy born of your wild imagination, some of the ideas that come into your head and turn you on may alarm you. You may wonder if something is wrong with you. Spoiler alert: there’s rarely something truly wrong with having a particular fantasy. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, your mind is a safe, sane, and consensual playground that you can wield how you please.
Let’s dive in at the deep end and talk about rape fantasies. Some people have them! And, it’s not because they truly want to get raped—that is never the reason. A rape fantasy is typically about an exchange of power, sex with a stranger, and adrenaline, and these are very common sexual turn-ons. Further, the person having the fantasy has absolute control over every aspect of the fantasy to carve it into something sexy and erotic for them. Essentially, the brain takes something horrifying and unthinkable and turns it into something arousing. Fantasies like these are an expression of incredible sexual creativity—not a sign that you are abnormal.
How to Share Your Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner
Healthy partnerships include a baseline level of trust where you should feel free to share the fantasies with your partner. But, don’t ever feel like you have to tell them every fantasy—it’s okay to have some that you only enjoy privately. First and foremost, never feel pressure to share thoughts that you don’t feel comfortable sharing, and never feel pressure to try something sexually that you aren’t interested in.
Next, when you tell your partner your fantasy, be sure to mention it when you have time to discuss it—perhaps after you had sex and you’re feeling close. Bring it up in a way that prioritizes your sex life with your partner, and the fact that you trust them and would like to explore your fantasies sexually with them.
Start small. If it’s something you’d like to try in real life, mention that later on after they’ve gotten more comfortable with hearing your fantasies. You can also consider adding elements of your fantasy into your sex life, rather than having to create the whole fantasy immediately. If you both enjoy the idea of a threesome, you could start by talking about that during sex, and then perhaps watch a porn threesome while you’re having sex. If you’re still interested in the real-life reenactment of the threesome, you could take it further. You also could stop there if you find that talking about it satisfied your curiosity about the fantasy.
Before you start exploring these sexual fantasies, make sure you’re self-aware and taking good care of yourself. Do you know yourself well enough to identify what you want to try versus what you solely like to daydream about? Those who don’t unquestionably know this about themselves can end up getting hurt or doing something they regret. Go in with the mindset of being honest with yourself and your partner, and not with the mentality of trying to prove how adventurous you are. If you’d like to have someone guide you in a safe way through you and your partner’s fantasies, get in touch with a therapist you trust.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.