There’s no two ways about it: fantasies are hot. But keeping them private means that your partner doesn’t get to share in the heat. Here’s what you need to know about how to talk to your partner about your desires and explore new fantasies together.
Having the Talk
How you approach the topic matters significantly. If you feel shame about your fantasy, your partner may notice that. Working through shame about your fantasies is essential, healing work. The more comfortable you are broaching the topic, the quicker you can put them at ease, too. And if you can both maintain sexual curiosity and open minds, you have a good chance at keeping novelty in your sex life for the long term.
Tone and timing are crucial, too. If you are talking about fantasies for the first time, be clear that you are initiating a conversation—not making a request. Your partner may feel pressure to engage in your fantasy with you, or they may be defensive, interpreting your fantasy as a complaint about your current sex life. Mention the emotion that this fantasy makes you feel, which may be desired, dominated, worshipped, and more. Naming how you want to feel helps them understand the “why” behind your fantasy.
Next, ask them if there is any part of your fantasy that stands out to them as something they’d like to try. It’s critical to do this when you’re not in bed or about to have sex; otherwise, your invitation will be interpreted as pressure. Have this sexy conversation on a date night when you’re both feeling relaxed.
Lastly, ask your partner about their fantasies and prioritize them as much as you do your own. Teasing your partner’s erotic mind can help them have stronger orgasms and lead to greater intimacy. If your partner doesn’t like all the same things you do, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible. In fact, it’s rare for two people to be interested in all the same things. Know that it’s normal to only overlap with certain ideas, and don’t try to pressure or shame each other where you aren’t aligned.
This conversation can open numerous possibilities in your sex life. But if your sex life is already starting to suck, your first stop is my latest video that clarifies the most common pitfalls and how to start digging out of the sexual hole your relationship is in:
Don’t Get Stuck in a Rut
Some people are concerned if they have a specific fetish or fantasy that they need to focus on to climax. When your mind finds something that reliably gets you off, it tends to reach for that shortcut repeatedly. But the truth is that the brain is your biggest sex organ, and fantasies help people reach newer heights of arousal, making orgasms easier to attain. Your erotic mind is expansive and helpful to explore, but if you feel too reliant on a specific fantasy, you may want to practice climaxing without it.
You could begin by trying on a new fantasy to see if it turns you on in the same way. If you haven’t had much engagement with erotic art, now is the time to start. You could listen to audio erotica, read an erotic short story, or watch pornography about a fantasy tangentially related to your tried-and-true favorite. If the new fantasy doesn’t work immediately, that’s normal. You may need to try a few before your brain latches onto a new idea.
Listening to, watching, or reading erotica with your partner is a great idea. You can find common ground with erotic media that turns both of you on, and even more significantly, you can clue your partner in to what turns you on the most.
Fantasy is not a reflection of your identity, and having a taboo fantasy is common. Your desire is valid and can be a healthy part of your sexual experience. Fantasies that are outside our culture’s narrow view of normal are more common than you think. Being turned on by something you would never want to happen in real life is part of being human.
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