For some people, oral sex can feel more like a job than a fun, sexy activity. Below are some tips on how to enjoy giving oral sex and improve your skills at the same time.
Consider the Power Dynamics
Sometimes, oral sex feels disempowering, especially to women. We even call fellatio a “blowjob,” meaning the receiver is entitled to it, and we don’t have a similar term for oral sex that men provide to women. It’s important to think about who we culturally have deemed as deserving of orgasms and who is not entitled to the same pleasure. Even some mainstream pornography can expose you to images that may cause you to feel negatively about oral sex, especially for people with vulvas who may feel as if it’s a lopsided or dismissive exchange.
When people buy into these messages, they sometimes feel pressured into activities they don’t genuinely want to do, even if they have tried to incorporate consent. Having an open conversation about this can give you some insight into your partner’s past experiences with oral sex and any parts of the act that they may want to re-invent or avoid.
Oral Sex Plus Empowerment
Now that we’ve discussed what can be disempowering about oral sex, let’s move on to how it can be empowering. Before you get started having sex with your partner, talk about how they like to feel when they’re giving oral. Do they want to feel like they are in charge of your pleasure or that they’re irresistible and you can’t get enough of them? Find out what turns them on about giving oral so you can be sure the experience is mutually pleasurable.
Go a step further and learn what physical sensations they love the most, whether that be the feel of a penis in their hands or their lips against their partner’s genitals. This information can help you both coordinate so that you’re feeling equally turned on by oral sex.
Receiving Oral Sex
People on the receiving end of oral sex are in a vulnerable position, too. They may feel very exposed or have shame about the way their genitals look, smell, or taste. It can help your partner feel more relaxed if you tell them how much giving head turns you on. Silence, on the other hand, can make their anxieties run wild. So, voice your enthusiasm when it feels genuine and natural to you!
Diving right into oral sex can take some of the fun out of it for both the giver and the receiver. Before you get to their genitals, take some time to build anticipation, which is the key to hot sex. Going too fast can put the brakes on your partner’s arousal. Kiss, caress, or lick other erogenous zones before you begin oral sex to help your partner’s body prepare for the more intense sensations.
Building Strength and Endurance
To become an expert at oral sex, you’ll need some practice. Preparation can help you gain endurance so that your body doesn’t get in the way of your oral skills. People who have partners with vulvas may want to do some tongue exercises so that their tongues don’t get tired after giving oral for several minutes. People who have partners with penises may reduce their gag reflex by gently stimulating it with a toothbrush in order to desensitize it over time.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.