Have you ever heard that masturbation will cause hairy palms? (Spoiler alert: it won’t!) Most of us have grown up in societies and cultures that predominantly shame sex, except, perhaps for explicit “baby making.” This means the vast majority of us have faced shame for our sexual thoughts, feelings and behaviors at some point in our lives. This may have come from parents, relatives, peers, religion and/or the media, to name a few!
Sources of Sexual Shame
Some of this shame may have been purposeful – after all, many parents were shamed themselves, being told tall tales like, “if you touch yourself, you’ll go blind.” As adults, some are still so uncomfortable at the thought of their child being sexual, they use the exact same techniques. Other aspects of this shame may be indirect or unintentional. For instance, a shocked look on a parent’s face may become embedded in a child’s memory even if the parent wasn’t trying to make them feel bad on purpose. Further, we get messages from the media about where, when, how and with whom we “should” be having sex, and our own thoughts or feelings may not match up, leaving us wondering whether something is wrong with us!
What’s “Normal” and Healthy, Anyway?
As an adult, you can cultivate the capacity to separate “society’s” shame from your own inner sense of what is right and wrong for you, personally. That is, as an adult you get to decide, or perhaps more accurately sense, boundaries between what does and does not feel good for you. However, it becomes difficult to gauge the difference between your own inner “no” and society’s “no,” without a sense of the range of “normal” and “healthy” sexual relating. This is especially likely if your earliest childhood or teenage memories of sexuality are wrought with overbearing shame on fairly typical behaviors.
As a few examples: It is normal for preschool-aged children to become interested in their genitalia, want to be naked and show their genitals to others. Even children as young as 4-6 may begin masturbating or mimicking “PG-13” dating behaviors with each other, such as kissing or holding hands. By age 12, games like “truth or dare” become increasingly common, as does curiosity about sex or nudity in the media. All of these experiences are developmentally normal, but in a sex-negative culture and/or family, what stems from natural curiosity becomes a BIG “no no.” Fast forward a few decades later, and these early experiences can still make us feel embarrassed, uncomfortable or insecure about our own sexual needs.
Food for Thought
Here are a few questions to ask yourself that may be helpful to think about, journal on, talk about with a close friend or even discuss with a sex-friendly therapist:
- What are your earliest sex-related memories? How old were you? What were you doing? What was the reaction of those around you?
- In remembering these situations, what emotions arise? Where do you feel these feelings inside your body? What emotions did you feel back then, and are they the same or different as you feel remembering them today?
- What challenges do you face with sex today? Can you see any parallels between your early experiences and the present?
Awareness is the First Step
By becoming more mindful and conscious of your own sexual programming, you can begin to unravel unhealthy shame that has been put on you by others. You may be surprised, and start to see patterns in your thoughts, feelings and/or behaviors that harken directly back to your childhood. For others, the connection may be more abstract. Either way, delving deeper into your own personal sense of what is right and wrong for you will benefit not only your sexuality but your life more broadly.
Ultimately, when you cultivate a deeper sense of boundaries and what you can and cannot accept in your experience, that awareness directly applies to your work, family and social life far outside the bedroom!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform.