People with vulvas can have a more difficult time reaching orgasm, statistically, than people with penises. The reason behind this is a massive lack of sexual education around sexual pleasure that doesn’t center around heterosexual men. Taking the tips below into the bedroom can give you expert-level oral skills.
Ignore What You’ve Seen in Porn
Porn is great for entertainment but not so good for education. Most porn is filmed from the perspective of and for the pleasure of men. Even female desire mimics male desire in most porn films, since the women in porn seem to get turned on immediately.
In real life, it usually takes people with vulvas more time to get turned on. Allow twenty or more minutes for foreplay before you engage in oral sex. Create a build-up of sexual tension by first exploring their other erogenous zones, like the inner thighs or neck. Consider giving them an erotic massage to help them mentally disengage from the stress of the day so that they can focus all their attention on sexual pleasure. Make sure that your partner is ready for oral sex before you start.
Oral sex is often a lot more intimate than it is portrayed in porn. To learn more about the difference between intimacy and sex, check out this video:
Express Your Enjoyment
Many people with vulvas were raised to feel that their sexual pleasure came second to their partner’s. Since vulvas often take more time to warm up and reach orgasm, people with vulvas may feel an internal rush to get to the finish line so they aren’t burdening or boring their partners. To curtail this reflex, let your partner know how much fun you’re having down there. Compliment the taste, look, or smell if you enjoy it, as these can be areas of insecurity. You could say it outright or let them know through pleasurable sounds and eye contact that you’re not in a rush so that they can slow down, relax, and reach orgasm at a leisurely pace.
Fine-Tune Your Technique
When you go down on a vulva, it’s a good idea to try a few techniques and get feedback from your partner about which they like the best. The tongue-flicking you may have seen in porn doesn’t work for everyone; since clitorises have so many nerve endings, this can be painful. Talking to your partner about how sensitive their clitoris is before you get started can help you narrow down some oral sex methods that feel the best without going through trial and error.
Going slow and using gentle movements to start is always a good idea. You can ask if you should go faster or use more pressure after you’ve warmed your partner up. Try suction for more stimulation or licking around her clitoris rather than directly on it to lighten the sensations.
Find a Comfortable Position
Your partner will be more comfortable if you’re comfortable. The perfect position will save your neck and help your partner take the time they need to reach climax. Sixty-nine with someone on top of the other person is one of the most uncomfortable positions for longer play sessions. If you’re going to have mutual oral sex, turning on your sides is much easier on your neck. If you’re strictly giving, you could have your partner lie at the edge of the bed while you kneel in front of them. To prevent knee pain, place a sturdy pillow underneath them. Ensuring you’re both comfortable can help both of you relax and enjoy the experience for longer.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.