Long before the idea of sex positivity was engineered, there was the concept that female sexuality needed to be controlled, subdued, and discouraged. The idea was that if girls were “acting out” sexually, something had gone wrong. These long standing sexist and misguided views of sexuality can turn something as natural and biological as sexual desire into a predicament for girls going through adolescence. Thankfully, these are no longer the norms when discussing sexuality, and psychology has begun studying the effects of harmful stereotypes on female sexuality.
The Nice Girl Problem
Since women’s sexuality is still considered something shameful or unnatural, many girls fight biology by trying to suppress any sexual feelings that arise. A pernicious double-standard is that girls are supposed to be the protectors of sexual purity and will have to put up fierce boundaries against boys’ burgeoning—and encouraged—sexuality. When girls are having sexual feelings of their own, this creates a flaw in the system.
The unnatural swallowing of feelings goes far beyond the world of sex. Women generally face enormous pressure to dismiss and deny feelings of any kind: hunger, anger, but especially desire. It’s difficult to know how to make a complete change from never having sexual feelings growing up to having a healthy sex life with your partner as an adult.
What Sexual Freedom Looks Like
Becoming a sexual being should be a natural process, but systemic shame and danger prevent this. Whereas most boys grow up acknowledging their sexual feelings, many girls do not. To reach true sexual equality, women need to grow up in an environment where their sexual feelings and desire can be explored safely and without shame, which is not the situation for adolescent girls. Sexual behavior is often still considered to diminish a girl’s value or judgment.
Even with the new wave of sexual empowerment and the urging to “own your sexuality,” the message we send our girls is, at best, conflicted. The intent is not to have all girls own their sexuality or equip adolescents with comprehensive sex education, but rather that only those who look a certain way should be allowed sexual confidence. “Owning your sexuality” typically means catering to a hetero-centric demographic and is only encouraged if boys will find it appealing. Sadly, sexual empowerment is still reserved for the very narrow demographic of pretty, thin, accommodating girls.
Further, even though this commodified form of empowerment is offered to the select few who fit our culture’s requirements, slut-shaming often awaits those who embrace their sexuality. Since all of these forces are at work, raising kids with a healthy sexuality can be extremely tough.
Doing It and Doing It and Doing It Well
Because women’s safety and health are wrapped up in all of these contradicting rules around women’s sexuality, many women grow up worried more about “doing it” right than enjoying it. Sadly, no matter whose rules they decide to follow, one side will probably categorize them as a prude or a slut.
Continued sexual inequality means that even the girls growing up who acknowledge their sexual feelings and pleasure will often rate them as less important than pleasing their partners—if they consider them important at all. Girls experience such a concentrated focus on how they look, that noticing how they feel is all but impossible. Since girls relate to their bodies the way they are culturally programmed to: as a project to be improved upon rather than a vehicle for pleasure and health, understanding and prioritizing sexual feelings is especially hard for adolescent girls. The idea that their partner’s satisfaction is the only priority sets girls up for a lifetime of joyless, performative sex and faked orgasms.
Raising Girls With a Healthy Relationship to Their Sexuality
Fortunately, we can help raise the next generation of girls to have more connection to their sexuality. As a parent, it’s vital to understand that the pressure to be pretty, popular, and the appropriate amount of sexual as defined by someone else are real. Simply telling our daughters to behave as if these pressures don’t exist is not effective.
Instead, try some strategies to help them connect to their bodies. Exercise like yoga can help them engage mindfully with their physicality, but so can activities for the mind like meditation. Let your daughters know that they have a right to their opinions and feelings, and no one else’s views should be more important to them. Consider helping your children get involved in activism that supports women’s and girls’ rights to their bodies so that they are engaged with the larger political conversation happening. And remember, a healthy self-image is the foundation of a healthy sexuality.
If you’d like tips on raising kids for a sex-positive future, connect with a therapist who can give you up-to-date strategies that will give them an excellent foundation for their future.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.