People who grew up with religious families or who practice religion as adults sometimes have a complicated relationship with their sexuality. Many religions offer a specific script for what is okay versus what is wrong within sexuality. That script can leave a lot of people feeling excluded or shameful about their desires. Religious or not, investigating the sexual humiliation you feel can lead to more sexual satisfaction and less discomfort with your identity.
Purity Culture
Many of us grew up within “purity culture”—even if we didn’t attend church. A significant number of kids learned abstinence-only sex education, and most generations absorbed conflicting information about masturbation. These forces that tried to exterminate a natural desire made the kids who internalized the information feel dirty and guilty about healthy, normal behaviors.
Shame Has Physical Repercussions
Shame doesn’t merely live in the mind—it lives in the body as well. People who experience decades of embarrassment over what is often completely normal sexual desire can experience medical issues, too. Erectile dysfunction, pelvic discomfort, and even compulsive sexual disorders can appear in people who experienced religion-related sexual shame.
Extricating Politics from Religion
Many religions have surprisingly open-minded text about sexuality, but their current teaching has contributed to the weaponizing and demonizing of sexuality. If you’re having trouble finding the balance between what you believe and who you are, rely on the spiritual texts of your religion to see what they say. Then, decide if you still agree with them or if they are simply a part of your past. It’s a little ironic that many religions that include a belief in the divine creation of humans by a creator who has a plan for all life, yet they treat sexuality as if it were a misstep. Sexuality is a gift, and when we own our sexual desires, we move toward more self-acceptance and less guilt.
Moving on From Sex-Negative Messaging
No longer practicing the religion you grew up with is not enough for most people to rid themselves of the lasting effects of sexual shame. Worse, it can be harder for people still involved in a religion to extricate themselves from a childhood full of shame. Healing must take place in order to truly move on. A good first step is to read the latest scientific studies about sexuality to help you separate fact from fiction. This process can help you realize that sexuality is positive and perhaps appreciate that it has a significant role to play in your life.
Next, find a community of like-minded people. When you choose your friends, consider people who are involved with and others who are uninvolved in your religion so that you have a variety of opinions to seek from people you trust. When you have a community you trust, you can share your story with them, and you might find that it is very similar to others. This can normalize the experience of having a sexuality and eradicate the need to apologize for it.
Why Moving on From Sexual Shame Is Important
Once you realize that your sexuality is natural, you are free to accept yourself. And acceptance is the first stop on the path toward sexual exploration and creativity. Sexual exploration is a process of getting to know all corners of your sexuality and appreciating them for what they add to your life. If you feel stuck and need help finding more sexual satisfaction, call me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.