Cancer affects an alarming number of people of all genders each year. And receiving a diagnosis can put a major wrench in your sex life, especially when you have recently been diagnosed. But getting diagnosed with cancer doesn’t mean your sex life is over.
Cancer can change your life in so many ways: physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, and sexually. But if you’re a cancer survivor, many people mistakenly assume that your priorities have changed, that you must be so glad that you’re alive that sex is no longer a concern. However, for most cancer survivors, that’s simply not the case. Here’s what you can expect sex to be like after recovering from cancer.
Your Sex Life May Change
Though everyone likes the idea of returning to “normal” after something as traumatizing as a cancer diagnosis, that may not always be realistic or even the best idea. Other parts of you—including your personality, habits, and even your perspective on life may have permanently changed. This means that your sex life may be permanently changed as well. But don’t despair; you can make your sex life even better than it was before as long as you are open to exploration.
Your Relationship May Have Changed
Cancer puts a lot of stress on you, and it can put a lot of stress on your relationship as well. If your relationship suffered during your cancer treatment, afterward, when the pressure is off, it can be easier to repair (if that’s what you both want).
Sex has a way of making you feel alive, and it’s a great way to connect with your partner. If your sex life was pretty much nonexistent during cancer, that’s okay. It’s important for you to forgive yourself and realize you were doing what you needed to cope at the time.
Reconnecting With Your Body
You may have new or lingering issues from the cancer treatment, like chronic pain. Your body may have changed permanently if you got a mastectomy or had radiation on your pelvis that can cause extreme dryness. The important thing is not to dive right back into your old routine just because you can. Instead, pause to listen to what your body is telling you now. What feels different? Honor your instincts, go slow, and use this time to rediscover yourself and your partner.
You may also have lost some erogenous zones or feelings in parts of your body that were subject to treatment. This can come as a shock, but if you and your partner are patient, you’ll likely be able to discover new erogenous zones together. Experimenting with sensate focus together can be a wonderful way to re-learn each other’s bodies.
Trying New Things
Expanding your horizons is an important part of feeling empowered after surviving cancer. If you’ve never played with sex toys before, now is the perfect time. It takes a little bit of pressure off your body to perform if you try them by yourself first, but you’re also welcome to try them with your partner right off the bat if you’re comfortable with the idea.
Also, even if you never needed lubricant before, you may now. In fact, it’s a good idea to try it regardless of whether you think you need it. Many women with hormonal cancers will not be as wet as they used to be, and lube can help sex become much more comfortable.
Moving Past Trauma
If you’d like professional help moving through past trauma toward a satisfying sex life, contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.