We’re all stuck inside, and there’s no end to quarantine in sight. Social distancing can be a massive blow to the sex lives of people who don’t live with their partner(s). Having safe sex during the pandemic is essential, and cybersex is a great way to do just that. Having virtual sex—whether by sexting, video call, or even a phone call—can feel daunting because it takes so much planning. You may feel extra vulnerable being on full display before your partner. Below are some tips on overcoming any nerves and planning the details so that your virtual sex experience is fun, low-key, and erotic.
Taking It to the Next Level
If you’ve never had virtual sex before, initiating the conversation might feel tricky. Hopefully, if you’re an established couple, the lines of communication are open, and you can casually bring it up. But if you started dating someone in quarantine and haven’t met, but would still like to explore sexually, this is a tougher conversation. The crucial thing to remember is not to pressure your partner and prepare yourself to take a “no” gracefully.
You could start the conversation by asking if they’ve ever done anything like cybersex before. Try to notice if your partner responds with flirtation or if they seem to shut down a little bit. Gauge their comfort with the topic before suggesting anything more. Feel free to mention that you’re interested in trying virtual sex together, but that you understand if they aren’t interested or ready. Don’t surprise them with a picture, but find out more about their turn-ons. Do they like images, sounds, or words? Use this to identify what form of cybersex you’d like to have together.
Keep the Stakes Low
If you have regimented, set-in-stone ideas about how sex needs to look, get rid of those first. Cybersex is going to be different, so set your intentions to having fun, not to having concurrent, mind-blowing orgasms. When you don’t focus on the orgasm, you can take your time and tease your partner, which will make the experience all the more memorable.
Set the Ground Rules
Talk about the details first so that neither of you is surprised. If you start FaceTiming and one of you is still in your business clothes and the other is fully naked, you might feel your timing is off and that awkwardness is creeping in. So, agree to start clothed, and as you get into it, you can undress for each other.
Try Teledildonic Toys
If you haven’t recently shopped for sex toys, the technology out there may surprise you. Sex toys that you can operate remotely can help bridge the distance between you and your partner. Consider investing in one that can send sensations between you and your partner (sometimes called teledildonics) and help you feel close during social-distancing sex.
You’ll want to take some extra precautionary steps when having virtual sex, especially if you’re doing so with a new partner. Keep your face, tattoos, or other identifying marks out of any sexual photos you send. Ensure the websites you use are reputable and not prone to data breaches. Consider the possibility that they could record the experience if you’re using video apps.
Lastly, don’t neglect your emotional safety. Determine whether or not this is a one-time thing so that you don’t feel unnecessarily rejected by a miscommunication or if the other person doesn’t call.
Treat Virtual Sex Like a Date
Before you go on a date in person, you make a plan and get ready; and with cybersex, you should do the same thing. Make sure your area is clean if you scheduled a video call, and that you have everything you need within reach, including lube, sex toys, or whatever else will help you create a sensual experience. Take a shower or bath beforehand so that you have some time to relax and focus on yourself. Put on an outfit that you love so that you feel confident about how you look before you get started. Adjust the lighting, perhaps to something darker and more romantic than usual, and decide who will play background music. Don’t drink too much alcohol beforehand because you’ll want to tune into your body throughout the experience. Otherwise, you risk going into “performance mode” and trying to emulate a porn star instead of generating real sexual connection.
Social distancing has taken a toll on many couples over the past several months. If you’d like help with increasing your arousal, sexual connection, or other relationship issues, contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.