Sexual trauma can have multiple effects that ripple throughout someone’s entire life. Some survivors may experience low desire or stop having sex altogether while others may engage in more sexual behavior than ever before. These experiences are common, and it’s crucial to unpack them so that the sexual trauma doesn’t continue to have a hold on your sex life. Let’s discuss why these reactions occur and how to work through them.
Compulsive Sexual Behavior
Sometimes people seek to repetitively re-enact the trauma after going through sexual trauma, engaging in more sex than they truly desire. Survivors may be trying to minimize what happened or prove to themselves that they have moved on by having sex compulsively. The trouble with having so much sex that you don’t actually want is that it can compound the shame you feel around sex.
It can be difficult to know if you’re having sex because you want to or because you’re still traumatized by the past. A good indicator of whether you are enjoying the sex you have is whether you stay present throughout. If you feel outside of your body, you may not be present during sex. You may be using sex to feel numb about the traumatic experience, which is a normal response but not very healthy for your sex life or self-esteem.
On the other hand, if you have always had a lot of sex, you may not be experiencing compulsive sexual behavior post-trauma; you may have the same desire level. If you stay in tune with your body during sex, that’s an excellent sign that you aren’t using your sex life as a coping mechanism.
Loss of Desire After Assault
After sexual trauma occurs, it’s very normal not to be interested in sex for a while. You have perhaps lost connection with your body as a means of coping, and it’s important not to blame yourself for this reaction. But sometimes, the loss of sexual desire can feel permanent.
Working through the disconnection and lack of desire can feel empowering after sexual trauma. To begin, it’s an excellent idea to find a way to calm your nervous system. A meditation practice can help because it allows you to get some space between yourself and your thoughts. It can give you a chance to slow down and feel the sensations you may have been ignoring in your body.
Self-pleasure is another way to work toward sexual desire. You could use your hands or a sex toy, whichever you prefer. Touch yourself everywhere and don’t have the goal of reaching climax right away, as this might not be feasible. Practicing this can help you turn yourself on and may eventually rebuild your sex drive. If you have a partner, begin by touching each other in non-sexual ways. Give each other massages, hugs, and kisses, but take sex off the table for a while. Consider trying sensate focus, which is a style of touch that can help you slowly move toward erotic touch again without a timeline or pressure.
You can find more tips on rekindling the sexual side of your relationship in my video below:
Get Professional Help
Sexual trauma is difficult to unpack alone. If you’d like to rediscover your sexual side after trauma, contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.