What makes someone good in bed? What makes sex good? When you watch movies, you see a common theme of primarily heterosexual couples where the man wants sex all of the time, can get an erection at the drop of a hat, and the woman has a screaming orgasm after about 45 seconds of penetration. And yet, this is rarely what most of us experience during sex. This can create insecurity and make people doubt their skills in the bedroom. There’s so much pressure to perform in a certain way when having sex. Here’s how to have good sex in spite of the anxiety it can cause.
Overcoming Insecurity in the Bedroom
People may wonder if they have a big enough penis or a desirable enough body when they’re having sex. When these thoughts lodge themselves in your head, they can prevent you from relaxing and being swept away by the moment. In other words, they interrupt your mindfulness and instead make you wonder if you deserve pleasure.
Everyone has things about themselves they’d like to change. They might want to have more skills in the bedroom, to have more partners to experiment with, or for their body to look a different way. While you can improve your skills, everyone is stuck with the body they were born with. And no matter how it looks, your body deserves pleasure and affection. Finding a way to access and explore your sexual confidence can make your sex electric.
The truth is that working through anxiety is a lifelong process. Even people who have been involved in the mental health world for years still have to commit to addressing their self-worth. But you can make great strides if you don’t give up. With practice, you’ll develop an inner sense of self that is much less shakable, and you’ll feel more empowered around sex. Plus, this confidence can make you more attractive to other partners because you’ll be able to stay in the moment and enjoy yourself in a carefree way.
The Automation of Sex
It’s very common for people to expect sex to be immediate and easy. As soon as you go to bed, your partner should be turned on and so should you. The sex should be exciting and new, even if you’ve been together for a decade. That pressure can make you feel like your sex life isn’t living up to these cultural expectations, and it can be a source of shame. You don’t have to wait for lightning to strike; instead, you can create your own electricity.
Even if your sex life doesn’t look the way sex is portrayed in the movies, it can still be incredibly satisfying. It’s essential to re-evaluate your priorities, though. The goal shouldn’t necessarily be a quick, mind-blowing orgasm. It’s often better to have a goal of being connected with your partner, taking your time, and deviating from the routine you’ve created. A super-hot make-out session is a lot more rewarding than having the same sex you’ve had each week for the last several months.
Connecting to Your Body
If you dislike your body, you can feel very disconnected from it. You can start to view it as a project rather than a vehicle for pleasure and connection. The same thing happens to people who have experienced trauma: they can feel very disengaged from their body and pleasure because, in the past, it wasn’t safe to feel connected to their body. Even people with eating disorders will face challenges being embodied.
If you’d like help finding ways to re-connect with your body and partner, contact me for a free consultation. We can work together to create a sex life you love.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.