One way to improve your sex life is to reduce the amount of stress you experience on a daily basis. Too much stress can lead to anxiety, distraction and an inability to focus on what’s going on immediately around you.  And, sooner or later, all of that stress is going to impact what goes on in the bedroom.

Sex researchers such as Dr. Lori A. Brotto have studied the impact of stress on sex and have discovered that mindfulness could be the secret to enjoying better sex. Her fundamental insight is that simply learning to spend 10 or 15 minutes a day on become more mindful will help you enjoy sex more. In fact, Dr. Brotto has literally written the book on the subject, “Better Sex Through Mindfulness.”

To find out more on Dr. Brotto’s approach on why and how mindfulness can transform your sex life, check out my recent podcast interview with her:

Stress & Sex

The problem is that all the accumulated stress of modernity – dealing with a busy work life, worrying about getting the kids to all their events on time, and trying to keep up with a non-stop influx of emails, texts and calls – has a way of impacting your sex life. In short, the higher your level of stress, the more likely that you will experience sexual difficulties. In fact, according to Dr. Brotto, problems such as a lack of arousal or low desire directly stem from stress.

We often forget that what’s going on inside our minds (such as replaying stressful events backwards and forwards) can often have very real physiological implications for our bodies. Stress is now at pandemic levels in modern society, and so it’s perhaps no surprise that so many women are experiencing stress-related problems that prevent them from enjoying sex.

Mindfulness Can Help to Restore the Balance

Since there is no magic wand to get rid of all that stress in our daily lives, you need to be creative about how to mitigate all that stress. And one very effective and proven way is learning mindfulness. This is a concept that may have different meanings and interpretations, but when applied to your sex life, simply means being more aware of what’s happening around you. It means paying attention to sensations and not being distracted during sex with your partner.

This is actually a common concern that I hear from my clients at my sex therapy practice in Los Angeles. They tell me that, instead of enjoying the gentle sensation of a lover’s touch, their minds are elsewhere. Some have been so preoccupied with other concerns that they are using elaborate sexual fantasies to get them into the mood. Unfortunately, that only complicates the problem: at the very moment that they should be getting closer to their sexual partner, they are actually distancing themselves even more.

Simple Steps Towards Mindfulness

Becoming more mindful, though, does not happen overnight. First, you need to find a time of the day that you can really dedicate yourself to mindfulness. And you need to start small before you can make mindfulness part of your sex life. For example, one classic mindfulness exercise is re-learning how to enjoy a simple moment like eating a meal. Mindful eating – in which you enjoy each taste and each sensation of food – is one great way to start. Slow down your life and take a moment to appreciate how much you enjoy a good meal, and how it makes your body feel.

The good news is that mindfulness does not need to be an “all morning” or “all night” type of commitment. Most people break their periods of mindfulness into 10, 15 or 30-minute blocks of time. In fact, Dr. Brotto has performed extensive studies on this subject, and has found that the optimal amount of time is just 13 minutes per day!

Mindfulness in the bedroom

Then, once you’ve mastered these tiny acts of mindfulness, it’s time to put them into use in the bedroom. Instead of letting your mind wander during sex, enjoy each touch, each sensation. When you are in the moment, you will be pleasantly surprised at just how heightened your sensations will be.

Of course, mindfulness needs to be an ongoing commitment, and not just something that you try once. Mindfulness needs to become part of your daily routine. If you are having trouble keeping to that commitment, there are plenty of smartphone apps that can help you. (My personal favorite and the one that I recommend to my clients is called Calm.)

Sooner than you ever expected, you’ll feel the stress of modern life melting away. You’ll be more in the moment, and more aware of what’s happening around you. And, as an added bonus, you might just find your sex life heating up as well.