Sexual fantasies may be the fuel you need to add to your sex life’s fire. Let’s talk about what you find hot, why it’s so sexy, and how to use the info to deepen your sex life with your partner.
Learning What Your Fantasies Are
Sexual fantasies are a part of life for most people. If you don’t know exactly what yours are, it’s a good idea to identify them. Finding something new and hot can add a jolt of electricity to your sex life. A good place to start is by recalling the most sizzling experiences you’ve had so far—it could be sex with a partner, a particularly sexy masturbation practice, or even a scene from a book. Look for a common thread among the incidents where sex took hold of your brain and did not let go. If you’re still having trouble, try reading some erotica or watching porn and notice your body’s reactions.
Having a fantasy involves your feelings. Nailing down what you want to feel during sex is key. Maybe you long for a sense of adventure, to be adored by a partner, or to be showered with attention. Or perhaps you long for something that goes well beyond the boundaries of your current sex life, like an orgy or BDSM and kink. These fantasies are common, too. An exchange of power, when you are dominated or dominate someone else, is hot for many.
Something you perceive as taboo is likely to come up in your fantasies. You may be interested in playing with your gender presentation or trying out a fetish. Bad fantasies don’t exist, so try not to moralize what you think about during masturbation.
Role-Play Versus Real Life
Fantasies usually fall into one of two categories: something you’d try in real life and something that you solely like to imagine. The liberating experience of having a fantasy only in your head is that you don’t have to be as careful with consent, whether your own or others’, or feelings getting hurt. Further, you can use role-play with your partner to recreate your idea without risking doing something in real life. You don’t have to worry if your fantasy is acceptable because it’s only yours. In fantasies like rape or non-consent, you may feel the lightness of not having to shoulder the responsibility for your actions because you are being forced. For people who grew up with religious trauma and shame, this can be a game-changer. The guilt you feel may be offset by the fact that you weren’t in charge during your sexual fantasy. There’s also the idea that someone desires you so much that they cannot control themselves, which is a pleasant daydream for many.
Boundaries, the Essential Ingredient
Setting boundaries before you explore fantasies with a partner is a must. Diving in can lead to hurt feelings and bad sexual experiences. Talk about what scenarios would make you uncomfortable and make a plan together about how to avoid anything that feels off-limits.
Healthy relationships will be able to weather a partner’s “no” because that partner stays connected to their partner. It feels less like rejection when you know your partner loves you, even when they can’t join you in a certain sexual activity. Respecting your partner’s “no” increases trust and can help you both be vulnerable with each other in the future. However, if you don’t enjoy sex in general with your partner, you need to speak up. Check out my video below with more tips for how to do just that:
Starting the Conversation
If you’re anxious about telling your partner your sexual fantasies, consider the outcomes first. The best-case scenario is that your fantasy sounds fun to them, and they’re game for taking the next step. They may be neutral toward it, feel anxious about doing something new, or be overall unenthusiastic. Or, they may have no interest at all. The possibility of rejection feels nerve-wracking to everyone, but the payoff can be worth it.
Making your partner feel comfortable first can ease their instinct to get defensive about your sex life. Let them know that you’d like to share your fantasies so that you can get to know each other on a deeper level and that you’re not pressuring them to act them out. Tell them which feelings you want to feel, and then you can pick another one together if they’re not on board with a specific fantasy. Structuring the conversation so that you won’t feel rejected as a person by your partner just because they aren’t interested in your fantasy is crucial. Find times when you’re relaxed and have time for a lengthy conversation to prevent undue stress.
Work With a Professional
If you’re ready to get more out of your sex life, contact me for a free consultation. Together, we can carve a path toward more pleasure with science-backed data.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.