Many women have negative relationships with their vulvas. Part of this is due to unrealistic beauty standards, and some is because of messaging received during childhood about vulvas being a “dirty” or “naughty” place. Though many feel insecure about how their vulvas look or smell, it’s possible to heal this dynamic and develop a healthy relationship with your vulva.
Find a Mirror
A great place to start is by investigating your pussy. Your vulva may not look like what you’ve seen in porn, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s normal. Start with a goal of only noting the positive about your vulva. Notice the texture and whether it feels warm and wet or cool and dry. Reflect on why you’re grateful for it, including the pleasure it brings you, the children it has born (if applicable), or simply that it’s a part of your body.
Consider looking at your vulva in a mirror often. Not only is it good for health reasons to know your body well, but it will also make you more comfortable with your body. And the more comfortable you are looking at your vulva, the more at ease you will feel when your partner looks at your vulva. Think of this process as taking control of your body image—and you can’t do that if you’re afraid to look down there.
Understanding the Smell
Sometimes, vulva owners are insecure about the way their vulvas smell. However, having a particular smell down there is normal. The vulva is in a warm place, tucked away, near sweat glands and healthy bacteria. The scent might change throughout your cycle, and it might be different if you change your diet and lifestyle. So, if you notice a light smell, chances are your vagina is healthy and normal.
It’s important not to change the smell of your vagina. Using douches has been proven to be detrimental to your vulvar health, so steer clear. It’s better to learn how you smell and begin to accept it.
Pamper Your Vulva
After you’ve become comfortable with the way your vulva looks and smells, it’s an excellent idea to learn how to pamper it. First, find a time when you are relaxed and won’t feel rushed. Ensure your space is clean and not cluttered, so you aren’t thinking about what’s left undone on your to-do list.
Then, give yourself a little massage. Rub around your inner thighs or stroke your lower belly. Take your time and identify the types of touches that feel best for you. Not only can this increase your anticipation and arousal, but it will also help you communicate to your partner what you need in order to get in the mood. After that, you can continue touching your clitoris with different strokes to see which kind you like and which you find painful or ineffective. Learning how to masturbate is fun, good for you, and incredibly empowering.
Accepting Pleasure
Many women are conditioned to believe they should be giving pleasure rather than receiving it. This makes reaching climax with a partner difficult, especially for vulva-havers who take a while to reach orgasm, which is most of them. Unlearning these harmful messages about not deserving pleasure is critical to achieving your sexual potential.
Staying present throughout sex is crucial, and creating a mindfulness practice can help with this. Having a supportive partner who prioritizes your pleasure is also necessary. If you want your relationship to be more mindful, check out my video below:
Get Professional Help
Working with a trusted sex therapist can help resolve lingering body issues that interfere with intimacy. Contact me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.