Research has shown that there will be an affair at some point in 30–40% of marriages in the United States . What stops our hearts from racing for one another? How do you regain your passion and love when you feel it is slipping away? Many ask themselves if it is too late. During their long-term relationships or marriages, many get to this point. They are faced with a decision. Change, originality, and uniqueness are sexually attractive to most people. It is very common in long-term relationships for keeping the sex alive to be an issue. This leads us to explore what causes our affections and how we feel about our partner and our relationship.
Here are some tips to keep things alive:
Communicate
If you feel that you and your partner are having too little sex, you need to speak up. Tell your partner how you feel. This might not be the sexiest conversation. But lack of sex isn’t sexy either. Have an honest and open conversation with your partner about your sexual desires. Do you want sex more often than your spouse? Are you or your partner afraid of disappointing the other in sexual intercourse? Do you experience paralyzing shame around sex?
Schedule a time
Although this might sound silly, and even though many say sex should be spontaneous, there is nothing wrong with scheduling a date. It is a great method that can build an urge and desire that will make sex more appealing for both of you.
Many couples who come to me for sex therapy tell me how they yearn for the spontaneous sex they had during their courtship. However, when we explore it together, they remember that even then, there was always planning or anticipation involved. As you prepare to go on a date, you might anticipate the possibility of physical intimacy, preparing for it emotionally and physically.
Pay attention
Take the time to pay attention to and acknowledge your partner for at least a few minutes a day. If they tell you how their day was, pay attention.
Make sure you verbalize what you find attractive about them. In many of my post-affair recovery sessions, I hear that “I felt I was invisible to him” or “I went with [my affair partner] because she made me feel desirable.” This doesn’t mean that you are responsible for making your partner feeling desirable. But it might help build emotional intimacy if you share with them how much you desire them. You might already notice your partner’s great qualities. However, it is key to put it in words.
Discover Your Partner’s Love Language
In my work as a sex therapist, I often see couples expressing their love and affection the way that they want to receive from others. However, miscommunication easily happens here. The couple may have different love languages. As Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the New York Time Bestseller The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate reports, people use five love languages to express their love. These are acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, and physical touch.
If your partner uses the love language of physical touch, all the actions and sacrifices you make may not be appreciated the way you mean them. Instead, he or she might crave physical touch. Stop analyzing why your partner does not like to receive love the way you give it. Start inquiring about what works for them.
The wife in a couple that I was working with few years ago told me in tears how devastated she was. Her husband didn’t appreciate the extravagant surprise birthday party she threw for him at all! Then I checked in with him. He told me all he wanted for his birthday was to spend it alone with his wife. Although the wife was still frustrated, feeling that she had wasted all that energy, after we worked together she realized that she needed to speak her husband’s love language when she expressed her affection for him.
Last, you should never be ashamed to ask for help. It may be that you have tried your best to resolve your sex and relationship issues. Many people give up at that point, feeling resentful and helpless, after trying without any results. It is essential to seek help from a sex therapist within few months of noticing the issue. Often, people wait years, and the built-up frustration and resentment make it almost impossible to repair the relationship, even with professional help. Not every therapist can help clients with sexual challenges. A sex therapist, however, can assist you in identifying what is not working and help you transform your sex life before it is too late!
