There’s no escaping the effect of technology on sex. Technology’s impact on sexuality has brought about both positives and negatives, and it has a lot more manifestations in our daily lives and relationships than just pornography. Couples can bond sexually from a great distance now or view sexually enticing material together to enhance their sex lives. But on the other hand, couples may be dealing with pornography addictions, sexual dysfunction, or a blurry line between fidelity and infidelity. Here’s how you can escape the perils that technology may pose toward your relationship.
Pornography Consumption: How to Deal With It
Solo male pornography use is correlated with lower self-esteem in their female partners (if the couple is heterosexual). Women can tend to view pornography as a replacement for intimacy and wonder if their partners are comparing them to the porn stars. In these situations, pornography can take a toll on the relationship. This is not something that can only affect women because, naturally, everyone prefers to be involved in their partner’s sexuality rather than excluded. The research shows that the more sexual activities couples engage in independently, the more problems crop up within the relationship. These independent activities include things like watching porn, flirting online or on dating sites, or anything else that someone finds sexual that they exclude their partner from. Having a discussion about all of your sexual behaviors and inclinations with your partner can create intimacy and reduce the risk factor of them feeling threatened by your activities.
Use of Technology and Sexual Dysfunction
People’s sexualities are a little bit like gardens: they need attention, care, and pruning to stay healthy. If allowed to run rampant, they don’t serve their purpose very well in most situations. Take, for example, someone who is interested in a sexual act that their partner has no interest in. If they continue to feed that part of their sexuality through the use of pornography or online chat forums, they can undoubtedly cultivate a need for that one thing in order to achieve orgasm. People can develop almost a compulsive requirement for something specific in order to be sexually satisfied, which isn’t very conducive to partnered sex. But on the other hand, if they spend their time and energy on adding interest and creativity to their sex life with their partner, they (and their partners!) will reap the benefits.
Social Media Use Within a Relationship
Now that technology has interwoven itself into every facet of our lives, it’s imperative for the longevity of your relationship that you are on the same page as your partner. Talk about what constitutes appropriate behavior on Facebook, Instagram, and other social media sites and also have a conversation about what type of behavior would bother you or that you would consider infidelity. If you’re not on the same page, social media use can have disastrous results.
What Technology Has Changed About Our Sex Lives
Historically, infidelity was most often caused by the partner with the most opportunity: the partner who had a job, access to travel, or control of the money. As you probably guessed, it was most common for men to cheat. The Internet has, in a way, leveled the playing field of opportunity so that nearly everyone has ample opportunity to cheat at any given time. You don’t need a job or a lively social circle to find an affair; you can now do it from the comfort of your own home. In fact, not only is the wide world of sexual opportunity more available, but it’s also more affordable, anonymous, and illusory.
Relationships that begin on the Internet can be misleading for both parties because of the way people communicate. When you meet someone online, you have full control of your presentation. You can edit parts of yourself you don’t like, wait until you’re in a certain mood to respond, and you can take a lot of time to create someone a bit different from yourself in reality. It’s fun to be able to create yourself in an image you prefer. But don’t forget, the person on the other end of the connection is doing the same thing. When you feel like you’re falling in love, a lot of people don’t realize that it’s often because of the buffer that functions almost like a mirage. You can look like someone’s soulmate, text like someone’s soulmate, sext like someone’s soulmate, all without actually being their soulmate.
Sexting
Sexting is defined as when someone sends sexually explicit material to another party for sexual purposes. Whether you are just chatting, sending pictures, or recording video, all of these are included in the definition of sexting. Sexting, depending on who you’re sexting with, can blur the line between using the Internet as a masturbation enhancer (like with pornography), and having an affair.
What if instead of pornography, you pay for a live webcam with someone you don’t know? What if it’s a webcam with someone you do know? What if it is sexting with someone you have met? Are words allowed? What about pictures? These are questions you both need to answer in order to know that you’re on the same page about fidelity. What someone considers a masturbation aid, someone else may consider a relationship-ending affair. This is why talking to your partner about your feelings on sex and technology is so vital for your relationship.
Defining your limits for fidelity can be a tough conversation to have. Consider speaking with a couples’ or sex therapist that can guide you through a calm, mutually beneficial, and potentially relationship-saving conversation about the role technology is playing in your sex life.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.