Upgrading your sexual skillset is one of the most important things you can do to keep your sex life spicy. Here’s how to get better at kissing and fingering your partner.
Mastering Makeouts
After high school, many of us no longer try to improve our kissing skills. We’ve left first base in the past, and we see no reason to update our technique since most of us believe we are great kissers. But the result is that we miss out on a crucial component that helps many people reach peak arousal. It’s problematic to buy into the idea that sexual activities occur on a hierarchy and that penetrative sex is the ultimate kind, while kissing is at the bottom of the list. If we all gave kissing the time and attention that we do sex, we’d have a completely different, more erotic experience during a makeout session.
Fortunately, you don’t need to practice on your hand. What makes kissing erotic is more than the experience of two sets of lips touching.
To make kissing a sensual experience again, take the opportunity to stop treating kissing as a rest stop on the way to your sex destination. An excellent way to do this is to take sex off the table for one night. Carve out as much time as possible and put kissing on the calendar. It can be especially sexy to know that you and your partner can’t have each other, which will intensify your makeout.
Another good idea is to take your time when kissing. Gently caress different areas of your partner’s face, neck, and ears with your lips. Learn how your breath can impact kissing when you suck on an earlobe or blow across a damp place on their skin. Experiment with different intensities. Try softly kissing your partner as your trace your fingertips against their arms. At a different time (when you and your partner are in the mood for it), try grabbing them firmly and planting one of them in a more dominant way.
Kissing is another area of your sex life where you can (and should!) give and receive feedback. Ask your partner if they like a little or a lot of teeth, tongue, wetness, and energy.
Next, find some favorite kissing positions—just like you do with sex positions! Consider your and your partner’s comfort and any mobility issues, and try different positions where your necks are supported and you feel completely relaxed so that you can extend the experience as long as you’d like to.
Fine-Tuning Fingering
Fingering is similar to kissing because there is much more to explore than we often expect. Before you dive right into fingering, it’s a good idea to caress your partner’s body and touch other places to help them warm up. You don’t want to touch their vulva or anus before they’re ready. Instead, it’s much better to turn them on so much that they’re begging you to start fingering them rather than going in cold and potentially hurting them.
Spend ten to twenty minutes arousing your partner with a massage, kissing, or other caresses before beginning to finger them—and always ask to ensure they’re ready. Then, when they’re ready, consider touching them over their clothing before undressing them. This can help heighten sensation and turn-on before you start fingering. And don’t forget to use lube!
Then, once you find a rhythm and technique that your partner really enjoys, don’t stop. Having consistent stimulation is key to reaching orgasm, especially for vulva-owners. To add extra heat, you may want to use a finger vibrator which can help push your partner over the edge.
If you have trouble articulating what you like to your partner, try touching yourself in front of a mirror. Getting a visual of exactly what you’re doing during masturbation can help you create the vocabulary to better communicate your fingering preferences to your partner.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.