The sex drive is something that appears differently in everyone. Some have consistently high libidos, while others have low levels of desire. When your sexual needs don’t match your partner’s, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with either of you. Libido is fluid and can change throughout your life or even your relationship. Find out what to do when your partner’s libido is not aligned with yours.
What Low Libido Looks Like
Libido is essentially a measure of your sexual interest or desire. When you’re in a long-term relationship, your level of arousal doesn’t necessarily stay at one level the whole time. Health changes, relational problems, or stress in unrelated areas of your life can alter how much libido you have.
It’s hard to say with certainty the difference between low and high libido. If no medical problem is diagnosed, chances are, you and your partner merely don’t have the same level of desire. You both may very well fall into the category of “normal” libido, even while struggling with how frequently you have sex.
If you’ve noticed a personal change, you may want to reach out to a medical professional for a workup. If you used to have a high level of desire and that has changed significantly over a long period, ruling out medical concerns can ease your stress. Sometimes the issue is having given birth recently to a child, or another hormonal change. Other times, the issue is aging. As we age, your sex drive changes, which is a normal, healthy part of growing older. Sometimes, though, medication can help.
Sexual trauma or abuse is a huge sex drive killer, as well. It doesn’t matter how long ago it occurred; if you haven’t dealt with all of your emotions, they can still creep into your bedroom when you least want them to. Working with a therapist is key to moving on from past traumas.
Asexuality is Different From Low Libido
People who identify as asexual don’t have a low libido disorder of any kind. Rather, they identify as not being interested in sex with other people almost ever. Part of their identity is in not having sexual relationships. Ultimately, if you struggle with your sex drive and want to change your libido to help your sex life, you’re very likely not asexual.
How to Address a Problem of Incompatible Sex Drives
The first step in fixing the imbalance is to address it as a couple. It’s not necessarily the person with low libido who needs “fixing”; what’s most important is that you are committed to tackling the issue together.
Next, it’s imperative to move from a frame of mind where sex feels like a chore, which takes effort from both partners. The person with the higher libido shouldn’t pressure the other partner to engage. And the person with low libido should prioritize time for romance and seduction with the other partner. If you both agree to take your typical sex routine off the table, this can lead to time exploring and re-discovering each other’s bodies together.
Increasing Desire
Several environmental factors can help you increase your desire by decreasing whatever is an obstacle to your desire. Reduce stress by doing exercise you enjoy, taking a long bath before bedtime, trying meditation, or whatever helps to calm you down and reconnect you with your body, which can be an enormous help in the libido department.
For women who believe that orgasm is unattainable for them, often, the biggest problem is the clock. Nearly every woman can orgasm given enough time and stimulation. If you haven’t tried a sex toy, now is the time. Using a vibrating toy can help you learn about the sensations you like versus the sensations that turn you off. Make a map of pleasurable areas on your body with your partner using a feather, your hand, or a vibrator. The better you know your body, the easier it will be to ask for exactly what you want in bed.
A Satisfying Sex Life for Both Partners Is Within Reach
If you want help working out the kinks in your relationship’s sex frequency, feel free to reach out to a sex therapist who can guide you through tried and true methods.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. To sign up for her live workshop on February 6, Reignite the Fire: Plan Your Best Sex Date Ever, click here.