Out of control sexual behaviors can harm your life, not to mention your relationship with your partner. Moving toward a sex life that you both enjoy is necessary, but it can be difficult not to backtrack along the way. Finding a way to move past destructive habits toward a sex life you love is difficult, but following the tips below can help.
Changing Your Relationship to Sex Makes Things Better
When you have a sexual pattern that creates a problem in your life or your relationship, you want to fix it. Yet many people feel like their sexual interests are immutable and there is no way to change them. Fortunately, that’s not the case. Your erotic interests may feel solidified, but you can tweak them—it just takes commitment, time, and effort.
When some people have bad habits around alcohol or drugs, they can avoid those elements and situations forever, but that’s not the case for sex. With sex, you must rebuild and fortify your good habits while leaving the experiences that didn’t align with your values in the past.
It’s important to look at the change you’re making as changing your sex life for the better. Many people are stuck in the trap of seeing their sex life as incomplete because they are no longer engaging in harmful behaviors. But having a healthy sex life is something you want to celebrate, and it will enhance your sex life—not detract from it. For instance, it can increase intimacy with your partner. Check out my video below for more information on the psychology of sexual intimacy:
Understanding Consent Is Key
Many people didn’t grow up with thorough sex education, and they may not fully understand consent. When you have sex with someone, it’s vital that they are as interested in connecting sexually with you as you are with them. Any form of coercion, even gentle pressure, isn’t ethical and can lead to a traumatic experience for your partner. You should never feel like you’re taking advantage of someone.
Shame Makes Everything More Difficult
Guilt and shame can creep up when you have a sexual past that you’re not proud of, and it kills sex drive and creativity. It can make being fully present and intimate with your partner impossible. Further, people may be more likely to do things that don’t align with their values when they see all sex as something that’s dirty and wrong. Doing something you view as bad can blur the lines and make it more complex to understand whether you have a healthy relationship with your sexuality.
Enjoying sex without shame is one of the keys to a healthy sexuality. When you feel shame around your sexual interests, you have the urge to lie or hide your sexual identity from the people who love you.
To get rid of shame, clarify your sexual values. Knowing who you are—and who you want to show up as—in the bedroom can be enormously helpful. And it can give you the tools to get rid of shame when you are the best version of yourself in the bedroom. It can also help you avoid activities that don’t make you feel great about who you are.
Going Outside Your Comfort Zone Can Be Healing
Just because you are putting healthy boundaries around your sex life to protect yourself and your partner doesn’t mean you have to be stuck in a rut. You can choose areas where you want to experiment, try new things, and find ways to feel a sense of adventure. Sexual exploration can give you those adrenaline-spiking, goosebump-inducing sexual experiences that you had when you first met your partner, and it will keep your sex life spicy.
Taking Next Steps
When you’re ready to grow, reaching out to a trusted sex therapist can give you science-based tips to guide you. Contact me for a free consultation today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.