Many of us grew up without the sex education we needed, even with sex-positive parents who tried their best. Prior generations were socially conditioned to think that talking about sex with your kids more than the barest of minimums was unnecessary, or worse, inappropriate. The vast majority of people learned about how to use a condom and the mechanics of heterosexual, penetrative sex—and that was it. Now, sex therapists and sex educators around the world spend a lot of time making up for the information gap. Fortunately, we can do better for the next generation. Here are some tips on how to talk to your kids about sex.
Make Sure the Info Is Age Appropriate
As soon as you can have a conversation with your child, you can talk to your child about sex. But it’s essential to consider their individual level of understanding so that you don’t overwhelm them with info or go to the other extreme and simplify things too much.
Remember, talking about sex with your kids won’t affect how early they wish to have sex. But when they do reach that age, they will have appropriate information and the values you’ve shared so that they can make educated, safe decisions. For instance, kids under the age of four can be told the proper name for their body parts and that babies come from their mothers. You should also consider talking to them about what kinds of touches are okay versus types that aren’t okay. Mention that if someone else touches them inappropriately, you will never punish them, but you need to know in order to help them.
Talk About Your Values
Kids are little sponges. They see and understand a lot more than they often let us know. Parents that don’t talk about their sexual values will find that their kids try out their friends’, teachers’, or other mentors’ values that they have been exposed to. So, don’t avoid the topic of values; embrace it! Let them know what boundaries you have found helpful throughout your sex life and how to ask for and give consent. Help them stand up for themselves and establish early ideas of consent by not forcing them to kiss or hug grownups when they don’t want to, even if it feels awkward.
Create a Dialogue
Kids can come across pornography from the moment they start using a computer with the Internet, so be prepared before you need to be. If your kids use online devices, talk about how parts of the Internet have adult content that isn’t meant for children. Let them know that if they go to a website they think is bad that they should let you know so you can talk about it. And then follow through. If they tell you about something, stay calm and help them understand what happened a bit more clearly. Next, set up parental controls to help prevent this, but keep in mind that they might see adult content at their friend’s house or other places where you won’t have the power to prevent it. The most important thing is to create an open conversation where your kids will not feel punished for talking to you about something they saw.
Don’t Forget Pleasure
Tell your kids that sexuality is a significant and pleasurable part of life. If you make sex sound dirty and wrong, this can be a traumatic message that sticks with your child forever—not to mention that it won’t necessarily prevent them from having sex. Make the risks clear, but don’t forget to mention the rewards.
If you’d like more tips about accurate, sex-positive information for your kids, speak with a sex therapist that can walk you through the process.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.