The first step to having great sex is experiencing complete and total turn-on. If you’ve ever had a night where you felt like you had too much on your mind to be in the mood for sex, then you understand what support or hindrance the brain can be in reaching orgasm. Learning a little bit about the science of turn-on and arousal can significantly improve your sexual fulfillment and access to orgasm.
Your brain is an amazing organ, and it’s an organ that can and should be used to help you find sexual satisfaction. Your mind is so powerful that it can notice and tune out many different factors at the same time. If you don’t take the time to observe, you may be missing out on better sex.
Those who aren’t experiencing as much arousal as they’d like, might try to focus on how to speed up their arousal. Often, advice will include speeding up your arousal via pornography or trying something new like a game or food in the bedroom. But there could be another reason that you’re not as aroused as you like: it’s that your brain is overwhelmed by stimuli that are not turning you on.
What’s Turning You Off Is as Important as What’s Turning You On
The idea is simple: perhaps the focus should not be what could turn you on more, but rather what is turning you off. Getting rid of what is turning you off can be a game-changer when it comes to reliably reaching orgasm. For instance, if your to-do list looms large on your mind right before sex, pencil in some time beforehand to get the most irritating things on the list done.
Another big turnoff that people commonly experience is negative feelings about their body. Body image is a much longer-term struggle than the to-do list, unfortunately, but it can be overcome. It just takes a little practice. An excellent starting technique is practicing gratitude. Think about the things you like about your body, whether it’s that you have unique hair or unusual freckles or that your mind is creative and fascinating. Start a list of things you like, and try to add to it regularly. This is the only body you have, and internalizing cultural shame will add to your suffering. So, to reach sexual fulfillment, you will eventually need to find peace with your body and appreciate everything it does for you.
Lastly, keep in mind that factors such as anxiety or depression can also be huge turnoffs. If you are an anxious person, it can be harder to experience sexual embodiment when your brain is racing with leftover worries from the day. Understanding this about yourself and working with a therapist to create strategies that work for you is a great way to experience more sexual satisfaction.
How to Create an Environment Conducive to Sex
Most people need a few things to occur before arousal occurs, and it’s not candles or a romantic dinner. More often, people need to be in a low-stress environment and the right context. Context means you should be asking yourself about the state of your relationship before engaging in sex. Are you in a state of safety, trust, and affection? If so, you are on your way to hitting the perfect erotic setting.
Further, if you’re in a long-term relationship, sometimes that feels like it gets in the way of arousal. But this doesn’t have to be the case. Incorporating some space between you and your partner or finding times to experience your partner in new situations can be a sexy approach to bring back the spark you had. Getting a new perspective can help you to be mindful with your partner and see them in a new light, rather than as an amalgam of recent frustrations.
For those who do suffer from depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues that can interfere with sexual desire, speak with a professional who specializes in sex therapy to get the best results.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform.
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