BDSM is a widespread fantasy, and for some, it’s a necessity in their sexual routine. It’s no longer some fringe corner of sexuality that is too taboo to mention. BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. That’s a lot of concepts for a little abbreviation.
Stereotypes About BDSM
Pernicious stereotypes about those who engage in BDSM exist, which contributes to the current stigma around kink. Thankfully, since BDSM has become part of the universal conversation about sex, these stereotypes are slowly being dismantled. But some still believe that those who were sexually abused or otherwise suffered trauma are more likely to engage in kinky sexual behavior than those who were not. Studies have shown that people who were sexually assaulted are no more likely to try BDSM sex than vanilla sex. Yet, our culture continues to pathologize most forms of sexual deviance, even though BDSM can be a part of a healthy sex life.
Why Power Dynamics Are Sexy
People who are into BDSM all have one thing in common: they like to play with power dynamics. And that may be the only thing they have in common, as BDSM encompasses a vast array of people. People engaging in BDSM use power exchanges creatively, and this often involves one person as a top (the more dominant partner who is taking action) and the other a bottom (the submissive partner who is receiving the action). The truth is, whether or not you tinker with power dynamics sexually, they are at work—often invisibly—in the undercurrents of everyday life. Playing with these dynamics is a fun way to add new energy to sex and explore what consent and control mean.
Trust Is Important
If you’re toying with trying BDSM, know that trusting your partner is the number one priority. Your physical and emotional safety will be in their hands, or their safety will be in yours, and both are massive responsibilities. Consent is a cornerstone of BDSM, as any experienced kinkster will tell you. Before starting a scene with someone, be honest about your current skill level, even if you’re a total newbie. Plan to have an in-depth conversation about what can happen during the scene, and think about what activities would be off the table for you. Clearly articulating your limits is key; never assume someone would intuit what you like or don’t like.
Overlap Between Tantric Sex and BDSM
A little-known fact about BDSM is that there is some overlap between it and Tantric sex. Tantric sex fosters the idea that sex can be a spiritual experience and that each act is sacred. Further, Tantra promotes the notion of masculine and feminine energy progression occurring during sex (regardless of the genders of those having sex), which parallels the path that tops and bottoms undergo during sex. Many kinky folks—but especially submissives—report a spiritual experience during a BDSM sex, much like Tantra.
How to Get Started
If you’re nervous about getting started, don’t be! First, if you have a sexual partner, mention to them your interest in trying out a scene. Discuss at length your boundaries and why you’re interested in BDSM. If you’re both new, start at the shallow end of the pool; don’t try breath play or whips just yet. Start with more non-threatening activities like spanking, kneeling, or handcuffs.
If you both are interested in the same role, you might need some creativity. You could switch who gets to be in charge each time, or you could open up your relationship to other partners. Don’t worry about initial awkwardness; just consider it a fun playtime geared for adults. Then, once you’ve finished, discuss what you liked and what you didn’t.
If you’d like guidance on healthy ways to explore kinky fantasies, connect with a sex therapist who can help you realize your sexual potential as a dominant or submissive.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.