Having sex when you don’t feel sexy or confident can be nerve-wracking. Getting naked with someone may bring up insecurities because we often place too much emphasis on how sex looks rather than how it feels. The good news is that sexual confidence is a skill you can build. Here’s how to get started.
Invent an Alter Ego
Superheroes have them, so why shouldn’t you? An alter ego, or someone you can “become” during sex, is a way to put some space between the anxious, judgy, close-minded parts of your personality and the part that wants to experience more freedom and empowerment during sex. Being someone who isn’t quite you can help you base decisions on pleasure and how you feel in the moment rather than old notions of how you see yourself.
Having an alter ego is a form of role-play, so feel free to get your partner involved, too. You both can choose an alter ego by selecting someone you admire or relate to on television, movies, books, or even your own imagination. It may sound intimidating, but doing things slightly out of your comfort zone but still within your consent zone can help build your sexual confidence.
The problem is that when we watch porn or sex scenes in movies, we internalize the idea that you must look a certain way to act a certain way in the bedroom. But that’s not true at all! Becoming someone new can help you dismantle this myth and give you the confidence to act out who you want to be in the bedroom. Everyone can build their unique brand of sexiness, and it won’t have anything to do with how you look but rather the energy you bring to the bedroom.
Go It Alone
Relying on your partner for all your sexual fulfillment is a shortcut to disappointment. Partners often have different desire levels, sexual interests, moods, stress levels, and more. The chances that you and your partner will be sexually in sync every moment, forever, is virtually nonexistent. So, it’s time to give yourself a hand—literally. Develop a masturbation routine, and find ways to describe the sensations you like verbally so that you can vocalize them to your partner when the opportunity arises. Then practice asking for the pleasure you deserve.
Know Your No
Healthy sexual boundaries are an integral part of sexual empowerment. It’s equally important to know what you’re not interested in exploring as it is to understand the new things you’d like to try. Filling out a yes/no/maybe list with your partner, which can be easily found online, can give you a strong starting point. Finding new areas to explore is as important as noting the activities you won’t be pursuing together.
Why Sexual Confidence Is So Important
Not having sexual confidence isn’t just a minor inconvenience—it can hamper your pleasure long-term. Without sexual confidence, people with vulvas may not speak up when they experience pain. Others might not be present during sex because they are fantasizing about something they’d like to try with their partner but are too scared to mention. Others still may not reach climax because they are focused on insecurity about their performance, body, or something else entirely.
Further, the more you practice having sexual confidence, the better you will be at receiving pleasure. You may be too nervous to even experience sexual pleasure if you are focused on how your body looks. Or it may feel good for a while, but your thoughts suddenly shift to how long it takes, ruining the mood. The more you embody sexual confidence, the less these anxiety-inducing situations will arise. And you may even feel extra attractive once you’re confidently owning your sexuality and enjoying pleasure like never before.
Talk to an Expert
If you want to gain more sexual confidence, contact me for a free consultation.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.