There is a pernicious sexual stereotype about men that exists contrary to decades of research: that men are ready for and want sex at basically any time. Low desire is more commonly associated with women, but it can affect people of any gender. Find out why men sometimes struggle with reduced sexual arousal and what you can do about it.
Low Desire in Men
Desires are as unique as the people who have them. Every individual is different, and so many different factors affect whether or not your brain and body can focus on sex when you want them to. When low desire affects men, it happens for a variety of reasons. Often, the first idea is to test for testosterone levels, but frequently, the best idea is to check in psychologically.
Many prescriptions have side effects that affect sexual desire. Some people are in the difficult position of choosing between their physical health, mental wellness, and sexual desire. However, it’s always worth checking with your doctor to determine if a substitute is available that won’t reduce your arousal levels.
Sometimes, work is the culprit. If you’re having trouble in your career, that can increase your anxiety or affect your self-esteem. Stress is a well-known arousal killer, so any facet of your life that makes you feel anxious can have repercussions in the bedroom. Shame about your desire is also something that can take the wind out of your sails.
Other times, in long-term relationships, the erotic energy has dwindled, and routine has taken over. Instead of creative expression, you may have the same leftover dinner each night, sexually. But, it’s human nature to want to grow, even in a long-term relationship. As a couple, your sex life should grow along with you and support your individual needs.
Increasing Your Desire
When desire wanes, it’s time to get creative. Our culture tends to overemphasize the role that physical attraction plays in good sex. Certainly, attraction is a pre-requisite, but it’s not enough to sustain long-term sensual fulfillment. Getting creative requires some self-awareness and the ability to communicate honestly with your partner.
Incorporating your fantasies in your sex life can help you reconnect to your partner as well as turn up the heat in the bedroom. Find a time to talk when you’re not about to have sex, to keep the pressure low. Then mention that you’d like to discuss your fantasies during sex or some fantasies that you’d like to try out with them.
If you’re unsure of what parts of the fantasy to incorporate into your sex life, think about the themes that turn you on. When you listen to an erotic podcast, read erotica, or watch porn, what do you usually search for? Does it involve a specific act, power dynamic, or role-play idea? If so, you have a good idea of what would increase your desire. Try to find fantasies that your partner is interested in as well so that you are both more likely to have a sense of playfulness and inspiration during sex.
Lastly, consider making an appointment with a couples’ therapist who specializes in sex. They can give you personalized guidance to help rekindle your sex life for the long haul.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.