Our culture is slowly coming around to the fact that people exist on a spectrum in many aspects of life. Just as everyone has different aptitudes and proclivities, so do people have varying levels of sensitivity. Your nervous system may not require much maintenance or attention, but that doesn’t mean your partner feels the same way. People interpret all kinds of sensory input differently, and some people are overwhelmed before others. Their nervous system doesn’t filter out as much as some people’s do, so they may feel overstimulated by activities that wouldn’t affect others. Here’s how having sex with an extra-sensitive person or an empath is different and how to make sure it’s fiery hot for both of you.
Starting the Conversation
Some highly sensitive people have had their extra abilities since they were born; others may have developed additional sensitivity as a response to trauma. Additional sensitivity can be a superpower, but it can also cause extraordinary levels of exhaustion and overwhelm. No matter what caused the uptick in sensitivity, the key takeaway is learning how to work with it rather than ignore it. Approaching it with a sense of curiosity rather than judgment is key. Trying to fix your partner will no doubt bring up their defenses and divide you, whereas if you try to get to know your partner on a deeper level, they will be more likely to open up to you. If you think your partner may be highly sensitive, ask them how different situations affect them and what triggers them to launch into emotional overdrive. They are likely already aware of their emotional template, and they may work hard to seem easygoing even when they are in distress. If your partner was raised as a woman, their emotions may have been dismissed throughout their lives, chalked up to PMS.
Decreasing Overstimulation
Rather than trying to change your partner, it’s important to acknowledge them for who they are. And this is doubly crucial in the bedroom. Empaths may want connection as the ultimate prize from sex, rather than orgasm or pleasure. And if they’ve had an overstimulating day, sexual stimulation is going to feel overwhelming and inconsiderate. To counteract this, schedule in time for your empathic partner to be alone before sex. Give them a chance to recuperate from the day’s stress and for their nervous system to be regulated again. No one is at their sexiest when they are in fight or flight mode. When you’re in a survival frame of mind, you concentrate solely on getting through the next moments, not enjoyment or pleasure.
Empaths Are Extra Intuitive
Sensitive partners can also read emotional cues more quickly than others. And more than just understanding the energy, they may feel absorbed by it, taking on others’ moods as their own. Essentially, they’re joining you for whatever rollercoaster you’re on, whether they like it or not. And these sensitivities will only be heightened if there has been sexual betrayal in your relationship. For more info about that, watch my YouTube video:
Honesty is extra important when you’re with an empath. They can sense subtle changes in your emotions, so it’s best to be upfront about those since they will likely know the truth no matter what.
Empaths and the Environment
Consider your surroundings as well. If your bedroom is in turmoil, this may affect your partner’s sex drive. Dimming the lights can be a thoughtful touch, as can turning on some relaxing music to drown out traffic noise or distracting neighbors. Tidying up may also help them feel more clearheaded and able to focus on sex. Schedule some pre-sex time to help connect as lovers. Don’t use this time to discuss administrative matters like your budget, but find time to do something you love together, whether that’s watching a TV show, playing a game, joking around, or giving each other massages. This connecting activity can help reignite your passion for each other and add new heat to your sex life.
Staying United
Fights can occur when one partner refuses to have sex when they don’t feel connected to their partner. But rather than letting this issue divide you, tackle it as a team. Connected sex is sometimes the hottest sex you can have, so identify concrete actions that make your partner feel connected to you. Having sex out of obligation destroys the pleasure and connection, so it’s essential to work together and find ways to connect throughout the day, well before sex.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.