If you grew up during the height of purity culture, you probably learned to experience shame about your body and sexual desires. This shame stays in the body and the recesses of the mind and can have lasting consequences for your sex life. So, let’s talk about purity culture’s impact and how to have hot sex despite the messages you may have learned.
What Purity Culture Was
In the 1990s, purity culture was an idea that spread rapidly throughout Christian churches in the US. Many would hold purity balls or have young women promise to stay “pure” and seal their intentions with a purity ring. Staying pure meant abstaining not just from sexual acts—but from sexual thoughts, too.
The Effects of Purity Culture on Your Sex Life
Learning that sexual thoughts and acts are bad can unquestionably set you up for a confusing sex life. People who spent their adolescence stifling natural feelings can have a hard time accessing them as adults. When you work so hard to disconnect from your body, it can feel nearly impossible to access your body only when you need it. Dissociating from your body because your pleasure feels like something unsafe or harmful is a process that takes some effort to undo.
There is a lot to psychologically unpack when you have pledged your virginity to your father or another member of the church, as was common in some communities. Giving ownership of your sexuality and body to someone else can set you up to misunderstand consent and pleasure. And this can show up physiologically as low libido or pain during sex, or psychologically as feelings of regret and disgust after sex. If you or your partner have these feelings, they can lead to a cycle of sexlessness. This cycle is difficult to break, but my video below has some information that can help.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=infwLme7kI0
Unlearning the Harmful Messaging From Purity Culture
In order to have a fulfilling sex life, it’s important to replace the messages you received when you were growing up with information that you now believe in. It’s easiest to fully process everything with the help of a trusted therapist, but you can work through some of it on your own, too. For starters, you might find it helpful to say things out loud, like “my sexual excitement is good,” to counteract the shameful thoughts or feelings you have when you become aroused.
Further, people who grew up with abstinence-only sex education have gaps in their knowledge about sex. Learning that masturbation is part of a healthy sex life is a great place to start.
Next, it’s important to discover how to voice your consent. It can be difficult to understand that it’s always okay to say no to an activity, no matter if you’ve done the same activity before or if you were in the mood five minutes ago. It can be equally hard to learn how to say yes to sex when you want more of it.
Many people who grew up within the confines of purity culture were taught that it was selfish and perhaps even promiscuous to enjoy sex. Yet in order to feel sexually empowered, you’ll have to get to know your turn-ons and turn-offs and be comfortable communicating them to your partner. And masturbation is an excellent way to learn about your body and how it responds to different forms of touch. Practice touching yourself and watching yourself masturbate to help you describe what touches you like versus those that don’t do it for you.
Ready to Leave Shame Behind?
I can help you find sexual empowerment after coming of age within purity culture. Contact me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.