Many couples are interested in kink—so many that it’s almost mainstream. Unfortunately, many people first interact with kink through porn, which isn’t always a great representation of the real BDSM community since it’s only based on fantasy. If you’re interested in spicing up your relationship, you’re going to want to do some porn-free research before you get started. And before you know it, you might be ready to turn up the heat with some temperature play.
How to Get Started With Kink
BDSM is a skill, so it’s more involved and requires a bit more effort than most fantasies that may incorporate a certain outfit or new location to have sex. Every activity that takes place must be discussed in advance, so you have to have a clear vision of what you want to happen as well as the communication skills to express it to your partner. For example, if you are going to bring a school-girl roleplay fantasy to life, all that entails is a quick trip to the lingerie store. But if you’re interested in trying flogging, that will involve looking at diagrams to see which areas of the body can be safely impacted, learning about the different styles of floggers, watching instructional videos, or even taking an online course to learn technique, plus an interested—and brave—partner. The temperature play corner of kink encompasses a spectrum, so it can be dialed down for beginners or more extreme for those who are advanced.
Having the Conversation about BDSM
Since BDSM is still a bit stigmatized and takes a bit of effort from both partners, many people conceal their desire to incorporate it into their love lives. And yet, for those who are true kinksters at heart, they will feel compelled to make their needs known to their partners at some point. But after years of ignoring it, the conversation can be filled with resentment instead of curiosity, which is why it’s best to have this discussion as early in the relationship as possible. One of the most helpful tips for having this conversation go smoothly is to conduct it outside of the bedroom when you have time to speak without interruption. When you talk about it during sex or just before, your partner may feel that you’re pressuring them to make a quick decision instead of giving you time to think about it.
Different Corners of Kink
There are so many different avenues for sexual expression in BDSM that you’ll have to decide what you’re comfortable starting with. Some people are really into power exchanges and the psychological arousal from roleplay. Others have a specific interest or fetish, like foot worship or hair play. One fun activity to try is temperature play, which can alter your sensations and help you tune into the moment during sex.
What Temperature Play Is
Temperature play helps you experiment with changing temperatures and the way they can heighten your awareness. One of the reasons that temperature play is arousing is because it helps you focus on your body and helps keep intrusive thoughts from invading your intimate time with your partner. But you must ensure that your partner is game for the activity and that you are prepared to try it safely.
Wax Play Considerations
First, it’s essential to discuss what type of temperature play you are interested in. Wax play is a popular starting point, but even within this category, there are many options. On the milder side is using warm wax for an erotic massage. To try this, ensure you have the right kind of candle that burns at a lower temperature so that you don’t scald your partner—meaning, don’t just use the one you get out for spa nights. Find a candle that burns between 110 and 130 degrees. For those feeling a bit more adventurous, use hotter wax to invoke stinging or shock.
Even with wax play, many safety issues must be considered before getting started, including a fire safety emergency plan, discussing your or your partner’s allergens to perfumes in the candle, finding safe places on the body to put the hot wax (for example, not on the face or over injuries, and never genitals unless you’re advanced), and more. Once you’re prepared, keep in mind that the distance between the candle and your partner’s skin will affect the wax’s temperature. Check in with your partner to make sure they are enjoying the sensations throughout your playtime.
Other Options for Temperature Play
Another way to incorporate temperature play is to trace ice over different parts of your partner’s body. Also, some sex toys can be heated or chilled to create intense sensations, but you must be mindful of the temperature throughout. Placing ice in your mouth or drinking hot tea before oral sex can be fun, as well.
A highlight of BDSM is that, typically, the end goal isn’t orgasm but instead becoming closer to your partner or enjoying the whole experience. This change in focus can help add spice to your relationship, no matter how adventurous the sex you’re having is. If you’d like professional help incorporating BDSM into your relationship, work with a specialized therapist who can give you science-backed tips.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.