If you’ve ever felt too distracted to get in the mood for sex, you, like a lot of people, could benefit from trying sensate focus. Sensate focus is a technique for intimate touch that can help almost anyone have better sex. It can help you calm your mind, connect to your partner, and be present in your body. Here’s how you can incorporate it into your sex life.
Giving Sensate Focus a Try
To get started with sensate focus, know that this won’t be a form of foreplay. Turn off any electronic devices and plan on dedicating time to sensual touch a minimum of twice per week. The first time you try it, breasts and genital areas are off-limits. The person giving the touch should think about the sensation they feel while touching their partner. Is their skin soft or warm? Is it calloused or freckled? Describing the feelings, even silently, can help channel your focus on the activity and how you like to touch your partner. When describing the sensations, the best practice is to avoid using critical or judgmental language, like “good” or “bad.” Do your best just to notice. Practicing this part of sensate focus helps both of you learn to avoid distractions, manage expectations, handle anxiety, and come back to your partner’s touch.
Couples often get into routines where certain types of touch tend to result in sex, so their partners will refuse pleasurable touch if they aren’t interested in sex. However, sensate focus can tap into sexual arousal that can help both partners find more sexual satisfaction. Even the act of taking sex off the table for one night—while committing to touch your partner—can create more sexual tension than some couples are used to having.
Sometimes, just knowing that this activity isn’t a precursor to sex can relieve stress and let the recipient simply enjoy the loving touch. When your anxiety is managed, you can learn what places, rhythms, and pressures you like best in order to become aroused.
What’s Next
After completing the first stage of sensate focus, you are welcome to include the breasts or genitals if you and your partner agree. The receiving partner should focus on the touch, but they can move their partner’s hands away from areas where they don’t like to be touched. Think of this like a bodily tutorial, where you are mapping with your partner the areas that you want to be touched. It’s valuable information for you both to have.
If a woman is receiving sensate focus, this practice can be especially beneficial because it takes the focus off of performative sexuality. Women are often trained to moan or give positive feedback—whether or not they are aroused. Since many people are unaware that women don’t often climax solely from intercourse, women may feel broken and use positive feedback to keep their partner in the dark about their lack of sexual fulfillment. This is where sensate focus can help transform your sex life. Lying quietly and experiencing your partner’s touch makes sex a more mindful experience, which is always a good thing when it comes to sex. Sensate focus forces you both to slow down and enjoy the experience of touch together without the expectation of orgasm.
The Many Benefits of Sensate Focus
Sensate focus can help women who have low desire or pain during sex. It’s also great for people who have been through trauma since it’s exceptionally hard for trauma survivors to feel comfortable in their bodies. Further, sensate focus is flexible since you can do it even without a partner. But for those whose anxiety is triggered when another person is involved, trying sensate focus together will be the most beneficial.
If you’d like more information about how specific interventions can transform your sex life for the better, reach out to a sex therapist today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.