Having sex for the first time with someone new is exciting, but it can also be a little bit awkward. Self-doubt can creep in at the worst possible moment. Having sex is a negotiation, and it’s essential to keep the focus on communication rather than trying to please the other person. Talking about your sexual needs and proclivities can make you feel vulnerable, especially at the beginning of the relationship and even more so if you have social anxiety. Below are some tips to make the conversation go a bit more smoothly so that you can set yourself up for a relationship full of satisfying sex.
Do It Early
When you’re already in bed and starting to get ready for sex for the first time with your partner, it can feel awkward to bring up a certain kink you have out of the blue. Mentioning it casually earlier on in the date can help alleviate the tension and can give the other person a chance to opt out if they’re truly not into the same things as you. Plus, when you bring up sex early, you give yourselves the opportunity to flirt and look forward to it all night. And if the conversation goes well, it can help both people feel safe with the other person. When people feel safe with each other, they are able to be more sensual and freer in bed. It can make the sex hotter right from the start.
Clarity is Key
Articulating your sexual boundaries is intimidating but necessary. And when you feel comfortable stating your limits, it bodes well for the future health of your relationship. It’s impossible to guess which sexual activities someone is okay with and what they are not, so there’s no getting around asking before you engage. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it, but you can just state it simply and matter-of-factly. If your date applies pressure after you’ve talked about your boundary, that is a major red flag. Just restate that you’re not willing to engage in specific activities, and consider ending the date. You will know that you were true to yourself, and you can feel good about getting some practice advocating for your needs.
Keep the Conversation Light
Sexual conversations don’t have to be serious and daunting. You can have a playful discussion about fantasies you’ve had or things you need in order to feel sexually satisfied. It can set the tone that talking about sex will be a part of your relationship—which is an exceptionally healthy foot to start out on. You can even use dirty talk as a way to discuss what you like and what you want to avoid. The more chemistry you have, the easier this will be.
If you’d like more tips on how to get the most out of first time sex and your dating life, contact me. I can give you individualized tips to find satisfaction during dating, sex, and beyond.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.