Not everyone shows up as the most confident version of themselves in the bedroom. That’s because most of us internalized some shame and guilt about our bodies, sexual interests, or partner choices as we grew up. But it’s time to let go of the things holding you back so that you can achieve the sex life you’ve always deserved.
Why Letting Go is Hard
Many of us are taught shame around our sexuality, whether it be what we desire, how we look, or to whom we are attracted. But we aren’t taught how to overcome that shame and have a fulfilling sex life. Shame is ingrained into how we perceive ourselves, yet shame can disrupt arousal, intimacy, and connection. A shame spiral feels out of control, and it usually stems from an idea we hold that we didn’t come up with ourselves. Fortunately, you can heal from shame.
Sometimes, negative self-talk is part of our daily routine. You may think something hurtful and judgmental about yourself every time you look in the mirror. Reinforcing your negative self-image by saying and thinking negative things about yourself takes time and effort to undo, but it can be undone.
There’s another reason that shame could interfere with your sex life, and it can be the most difficult to deal with: your partner. The hard truth is that some partners are nurturing and supportive and others can bring our deepest insecurities to the forefront. This can be incredibly triggering if your partner makes negative comments about your body or doesn’t touch you in a way that turns you on.
Turning It Around
Next time you catch yourself saying something hurtful, pause and reflect. View yourself as you would a friend, and question whether you would say something so cruel to someone you know and care about. If not, it’s time to change the narrative. Think of something you love about yourself, and remind yourself of that. It could be a skill, physical attribute, or anything that makes you remember your value.
Catching yourself after the fact is the first step; the next step is stopping yourself before it happens. A shame spiral usually begins with a narrative in your head that isn’t necessarily true. It could be that your mind starts thinking that a “good girl” wouldn’t like what you like or that you should be able to rise above or branch out from what turns you on the most. Interrupting this thought process is integral to moving on from sexual shame.
People raised as women are often raised to know how sex should look and focus on that rather than how sex feels, which doesn’t feel particularly empowering. Giving your attention to how sex feels instead can be a game-changer.
Finding a partner who is attuned to your body and prioritizes your pleasure can be healing—but you don’t have to wait for a partner to start your journey toward sexual liberation. Seducing yourself is a skill that is good for anyone to learn. When you slow down your masturbation routine to explore your body the way a partner might, it can help you learn new erogenous zones and identify what rhythms and patterns turn you on and which turn you off. Once you have that information, you can better relay it to an interested partner. If you don’t have a partner who is interested in your pleasure, it might be time to reignite your sexual connection. For more information on how to do that, check out my video:
Another great idea is to write your feelings down. You could write in a journal, or you could write it on some paper and burn it once you’re through. The important part is to get off your chest anything you feel shameful about. Keeping a journal helps give you some space between your feelings and yourself and is an excellent first step toward having an empowered sex life.
Get Professional Advice
When you’re ready to let go of shame permanently, a trusted sex therapist can help you make the changes you need. Contact me for a free consultation today!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.