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The faked orgasm is a phenomenon that happens far more often than most people would like to think. Faking orgasms can lead to mistrust in a relationship for the partner who is being lied to, and it can lead to a sense of resentment from the partner who is not getting equal sexual pleasure. To solve this relationship killer, we need to look at how faking starts and how to stop it.


The Causes of a Faked Orgasm

People with vulvas are the most likely demographic to fake an orgasm, and the reason for this is not biological—it’s educational. There has always been more stigma surrounding female sexuality and pleasure. The exploration and enjoyment of sexuality used to be a radical act for women. But since the topic was so taboo, there wasn’t much education about it. This meant the people with penises had little to no information about what it takes to help women climax.


Porn compounded the problem. Porn, while a great tool for enjoyment, instilled the idea that women can reach orgasm from penetration alone within minutes of starting. This may be true for a small fraction of the population, but it is not true for most.


Women also experience sociocultural pressure to orgasm, and the lack of sex education damages their experience as well. When they realize that they can’t orgasm like the women in pornography can, they may feel broken. Instead of admitting this to their partner, the quicker and less stressful solution is to give their partner the impression that they climaxed. 


Other women may feel guilty about enjoying sex, especially if they were raised in a conservative or religious culture. Whereas many men feel entitled to orgasms, women may have more trouble speaking up and educating their partner about what they need in order to climax, even if they know exactly what they need. Still others may not feel safe doing so. 


Moving Toward a Fake-Free Future

Now that you know some of the causes of orgasm faking, the next step is finding which one rings true for you and addressing it. Owning your pleasure can be a very empowering experience for many people. And if you don’t start prioritizing both partners’ pleasure equally, it can lead to resentment. When this happens, it’s easy for relationships to fall into a pattern of sexlessness. If this has happened to you, watch my video about what you can do to turn your relationship around. 


If you know what you need in order to climax but you haven’t told your partner, now is the time. Give yourself permission to experience this type of pleasure with your partner and know that you deserve it every bit as much as your partner does. Take some time when you’re not about to have sex to have a serious conversation. Apologize for misleading them, but focus on the specifics of what they can do to help you have an orgasm in the future. If you feel comfortable, offer to let them watch you masturbate, as seeing your masturbation routine can be a very helpful tool. 


Next, if you’ve told your partner and they don’t treat your pleasure as a priority, or you don’t feel emotionally safe telling your partner, it’s time to consider whether you’re in a relationship that’s good for you. 


If you don’t know what you need in order to reach climax, there are several ways to address this. The best way to get started is to start a self-pleasure practice. The next time you’re feeling in the mood (ensure you feel low stress and have a good amount of time to yourself), touch yourself and notice what types of pressure, rhythm, and speeds turn you on the most. Try not to focus on whether you reach orgasm; instead, focus on what feels good and what you enjoy the most. Consider reading a hot erotic novel, listening to erotic audiobooks, or watching porn to enhance the sensations. If you are still having difficulty, it’s an excellent idea to let your doctor know to rule out sexual dysfunctions. Further, therapists can help you work toward having an orgasm as well. 


Replacing Fake Orgasms With the Real Thing

If you’re ready to get more sexual satisfaction out of your relationship, contact me for a free consultation today.



Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform.  Click here to take the sex quiz for women.

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