In theory, erotic impact play sounds hot. It involves a power exchange and someone taking control and the other relinquishing it. What’s not to love? But when it comes down to it, spanking someone (or agreeing to be spanked) can be downright intimidating. Here are four steps to make it easier to try with your partner.
1. Discussing Spanking
The first step is always to check whether your partner is on board with the idea. If you’ve been together for a while, your interest in erotic spanking may come as a surprise to your partner. But not all surprises are negative, and your partner may be thrilled that you want to do something to spice up your sex life. Whatever their response is, try not to take it too personally if they aren’t into it right off the bat. Some people need time to work through their own internalized stigmas about BDSM and realize that spanking can take place in a loving, fulfilling relationship.
2. Choosing Roles
Some people who spend their day telling others what to do love to do the same thing in the bedroom. Others like to let someone else take the wheel and fully submit to sensations. Some people like both! Essentially, your personality won’t necessarily dictate whether you want to be dominant or submissive, or in this case, on the giving or receiving end of impact play. If you’re the person who is interested in incorporating impact play into your sex life, you may already have fantasized about which role you’ll be playing. Otherwise, you may want to try it both ways on separate occasions and talk to your partner about what felt the most natural.
Before you get started, you’ll also want to consider why impact play turns you on. Is it the physical idea of the sensation? Or is it the psychological turn-on of being dominated by someone? If it’s the psychological form of arousal, spanking someone out of the blue probably won’t do it for someone. In that case, you’ll want to lean into the role-playing side of impact play a bit more. You may want to create a scene where your partner has done something “wrong,” and you’re punishing them for it, which can help heighten the heat.
You should also decide which tool you want to use for impact play. You can use your hand, but if you want to use a paddle or a flogger, you’ll want to purchase this in advance and read up on how to use them safely before getting started.
3. Using Correct Form
There are a number of ways to make impact play feel good right from the start. Some people like to get warmed up first, which you can do by gently rubbing your partner’s butt. The heat you create can prepare them for more intense sensations.
Next, make sure you aim for the most muscular part of their backside. If you hit their bone, not only will it be uncomfortable for them, but it can also cause pain for your hand if you’re not using a paddle or flogger. You can also spank the tops of the thighs, but check with your partner because this is uncomfortable for some people. Try to steer clear of any contact with their back or tailbone because this usually results in the not-sexy kind of pain.
It’s always a good idea to start slow and slowly increase the intensity so that your partner has a chance to get used to the sensations before they become deeper.
4. Developing Finesse
There are a few things you’ll want to discuss and alter throughout your spanking session. For one, you’ll have to check with your partner about the intensity levels. They may also want you to go faster or slower, depending on what turns them on more.
Another way to improve your spanking skills is to incorporate aftercare. Aftercare is a method for helping your partner transition from the power exchange portion of your relationship to the regular part of your relationship. Sometimes, some cuddling and a glass of water will do the trick but check with your partner to learn more about how to help them feel cared for after an impact play scene.
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Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.