What’s the difference between an everyday oral encounter and one of the best orgasms you’ve ever had? Sometimes it’s a confluence of novelty, a trusted partner, and your mood; other times, it’s the skill of the giver. Yet, enthusiasm for oral sex can often be derailed by things like body shame, a lack of trust in a partner’s enthusiasm for going down, or an inability to stay in the moment. Here’s how to release the anxiety and get more out of oral sex.
Oral Mastery Is a Learnable Skill
Sex skills aren’t innate; they’re cultivated. Anyone with an open mind and a little perseverance can learn to be a better lover with their mouth. Understanding oral sex as something pleasurable for giver and receiver can help you both relax and enjoy the experience. Many people seek to last longer in bed—especially men. Often, what will close the orgasm gap more effectively is becoming proficient at oral sex.
Unfortunately, most current sex education neglects sexual touch techniques as well as how to communicate about sex. If you find the topic uncomfortable, consider sending a podcast to your lover. Having a third party discuss the topic first can neutralize the pressure and give way to a lighthearted conversation rather than something that puts the spotlight on your sex life.
Oral Sex Can Be Mutually Pleasurable
For some, the most difficult part of savoring oral sex is knowing that your partner is having a good time and believing that it’s not a chore. If that sounds like your partner, talk to them about your favorite parts of pleasuring them, whether that’s the taste, smell, or the look on the receiver’s face. This reassures them that they deserve your time and attention. Oral sex is the perfect time to show your partner how much you want them.
On the other hand, if you aren’t into what you’re doing, your partner will be able to sense that. Worse, you’re missing an opportunity to get ultra aroused in the process. If you love everything about giving oral sex but your neck gets tired, it’s time to invest in a pillow. If you’re worried about how you look while you’re doing it, try meditating first, wearing your sexiest lingerie, or staying present to your partner’s pleasure to remain focused on the moment.
It’s crucial to ensure your enthusiasm is genuine. If it’s not or you feel like you’re phoning it in, it’s time to think about why that might be. Some people genuinely don’t enjoy giving or receiving oral sex, and that’s important to communicate up front. When you’re honest, you can begin finding the activities you both enjoy that help you climax.
When Your Partner’s Not Interested
Not everyone’s desires line up exactly, but many couples can find large areas of overlap that they can use to their advantage. Some activities may be off the table forever due to trauma or personal preference. But if you’re a long-term couple, you’ll grow and change as sexual partners, and it’s important to allow for progress. If oral sex is what gets you off most effectively and your partner isn’t interested, discuss what other activities you’d like to explore to prioritize your pleasure and orgasm. You might be surprised by what you learn.
Relaxing Beforehand
Showering before oral sex can be a hot warm-up before intimacy, and it can also calm your nerves about how your genitals look or smell. If you still feel those oral sex nerves rising, ask your partner for a sensual massage. A fragrant massage oil should drown out any remaining concerns about your genitals’ scent.
Not sure how to massage your partner? Vulva or yoni massage is a sacred process and a very learnable skill. Watch my YouTube video to start your journey:
These body-negative thoughts and anxieties don’t occur out of nowhere. Rather, they were likely cemented in your brain thanks to a culture that often incorrectly categorizes sex as wrong and genitals as dirty. Further, genital stigma remains, and many people feel disgust toward vulvas. When you grow up believing stereotypes about how genitals should look or smell, it makes sense that you feel unsettled with someone’s face between your legs. In the long run, it’s a good idea to tease out these concerns with a professional who can help you internalize the idea that everyone’s body smells sometimes and the right partner will desire you anyway.
New Partner, New Techniques
One thing that takes oral sex from forgettable to memorable is treating your partner like an individual. Don’t use the move that your previous partner enjoyed. Put the effort into getting to know them and understanding what would make it more special, relaxing, or intense for them. Set the mood with candles, play sexy music, or even suggest role-play that centers around their interests. Feeling seen can be one of the biggest turn-ons.
Use Science-Backed Information
When you’re ready for more time-tested ideas, request an appointment with me.