Just as all of us have unique fingerprints that identify who we are, we also all have erotic blueprints that identify our sexual behaviors, fantasies and preferences. And just like every fingerprint is unique, so is every erotic blueprint. Instead of recognizing and then celebrating these differences, however, many people begin to develop feelings of shame and anxiety about what turns them on in the bedroom.
The problem, quite simply, is that many people still believe that sexual preferences are purely biological. But that has changed with new research showing that what arouses us (i.e. our arousal templates) might actually be linked to deep psychological reasons and formative life experiences. As a result, our arousal templates can change over an entire lifetime.
In other words, to understand what is going on with our bodies, we must first understand what is going on inside our minds. A woman who enjoys getting spanked in the bedroom, for example, may harbor this fantasy as a result of childhood experiences that date back many years. And in the same way, feelings of shame about the act of sex itself might be the result of being told for years by parents and educators that sex was somehow dirty. Not surprisingly, certain erotic yearnings – such as a sudden desire to explore homosexual fantasies – might cause a feeling of deep concern or worry if raised in a very strict, religious family.
However, what I have determined from years of sex therapy in Los Angeles is that there is no one erotic blueprint that works for everyone. Every erotic blueprint is distinct and unique, and is based around a complex combination of thoughts, images, behaviors, emotions and fantasies. That’s why it’s helpful to think about erotic blueprints the same way we think about fingerprints – they help to identify who we are, but they do not determine or define who we are.
Once you accept that fact, then it’s easy to see how unlocking your erotic blueprint can vastly improve your sex life. For example, all of us have probably had a role-playing fantasy in the bedroom. But how many of us have felt safe or comfortable enough to share that fantasy with a partner? We are probably too worried about what people might think about us, or that we are somehow “not normal” for thinking or feeling a certain way.
But the more that we are able to understand what arouses us, and what really turns us on during sex, the better our sexual experience is going to be, right? You simply need to feel comfortable with who you are, and understand at the same time that your desires and fantasies are OK.
One exercise that I like to do with my sex therapy clients in Los Angeles, for example, is a Sexual Excitement Survey. This is survey that was designed by Dr. Jack Morin in 1996. By using this survey, we’ll examine what has been successful in the past for my client, and then try to piece together the various elements that comprise that person’s erotic blueprint. What is both fascinating and rewarding is to see how different types of sexual experiences with very different types of sexual partners might share more in common than you might think.
That final step – understanding what makes you unique sexually – is what I like to refer to as “unlocking your erotic blueprint.” You now know what turns you on – and why. And best of all, you will be able to use that erotic blueprint in the future as a way to improve your overall sex life.
If you are interested to learn more about this topic, check out my recent podcast episode on how to crack your erotic blue print:
Dr. Nazanin Moali is a licensed psychologist specializing in sex therapy in Los Angeles, California. She hosts a weekly podcast series called Sexology. She offers evidence-based, solution-focused, brief therapy in a caring and confidential setting in her office in Torrance or online.
