(310) 600-9912 drmoali@oasis2care.com

Movies, TV shows, and books are excellent at cultivating lust between the main characters because they are in a constant state of fluctuation, wondering will they or won’t they have sex. People in long-term relationships often don’t have the same tension because they assume they will or won’t have sex. But the guessing game is part of what makes sex fun, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Here’s how to get that feeling of effortless, unbridled lust back.


Kicking Over-Familiarity to the Curb

Some people feel like their partner’s roommate or sibling rather than the object of their desire. It’s natural, of course, because things like paying bills, raising children, and managing a household can disintegrate the romantic vibe you once had. Having a little bit more space can add spice back where it once was.


Getting out of the over-familiarity cycle means that you’ll have to shake up your routine. You can’t do the same thing every date night and expect it to be exciting. Go out for a date night and do something neither of you has done before. Try to incorporate adventure into your time together. Doing something new—even if it’s just going out with people you don’t know very well—can help you change your perspective about your partner. Seeing them in a new light gives you the space for flirtation, which is precisely what will help you rebuild sexual tension. 


Finding novelty in your relationship is an important step to keep your sex life fresh. If you can light a fire of lust, sexual boredom often takes care of itself. However, it’s crucial to keep the focus on how much you want to do the activity as a couple. Otherwise, you risk making your partner feel responsible for your sexual boredom. 


Habits to Avoid

There are countless unhealthy ways to manage the fact that you and your partner feel like roommates. Having an affair—even if it’s just micro-cheating—is at the extreme end of the spectrum. Many people will blame their partner for the lack of chemistry. No one wins the blame game, so try to frame your situation as an issue that you’re facing together rather than something your partner has instigated. If you are on the same page, you can agree to prioritize desire in your relationship. 


Some couples will ignore the problem completely. Letting these bad habits become the default for your relationship is dangerous, as it can become sexless. For tips on reversing sexlessness, check out my video:

Moving Forward 

Like with many other relationship problems, communicating with your partner is the first step. Tell your partner you’ve noticed a change in the relationship’s atmosphere. Mention specific things that you miss, like your partner flirting with you or when you used to send sexy texts. It may also be that you don’t have sex as much as you did when you first met. But it’s important not to confuse missing the sense of flirtation and playfulness with missing the amount of sex you used to have. The more specific you can be, the better.


Further, it’s essential to increase the amount of physical touch you have in your relationship. When you first got together, chances are, you couldn’t take your hands off each other. Holding hands, drawn-out kisses goodbye, cuddling as you binge-watch your favorite show, and full-body hugs can help you feel connected to your partner the same way you did initially. When you don’t engage in physical touch except before sex, affection can start to feel like a bargaining chip for sex. Or, it can feel like each time you make physical contact, it is an invitation to have sex, which isn’t healthy for your connection as partners. 


Getting Your Sexual Tension Back

If you’re ready to take the next step, getting help from an expert is the most effective way to reach your goals. Contact me for a free consultation today!



Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform.  Click here to take the sex quiz for women.

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