Women and men take very different paths toward orgasm. Historically, the female orgasm has been through the wringer. Doctors used to debate whether or not women could even have an orgasm, and then people thought that the female orgasm was necessary for procreation. But now, as a culture, we’re finally beginning to understand the vast depths of female sexual pleasure.
Setting the Scene for Orgasm
Every woman is different, so speaking in generalities about how women orgasm isn’t extremely useful. However, people with vulvas tend to need certain things to reach orgasm that people with penises may not. It’s essential to check in with your partner since they will have the best information about how they orgasm.
Even though every person is different, many women need to have a slow build-up in order to reach orgasm. Not moving directly toward the genitals is important, and starting with touches all around the body can help women become aroused. Depending on the woman, emotional factors may be influential, too. Some women need to feel safe in the relationship and connected to their partner to completely let go sexually.
When these don’t occur, women may have sex with their partner as a favor or something they do to please their partner. This issue can show up as a couple who has mismatched desire, when the woman may have a high amount of desire but finds sex with her partner rarely results in orgasm. In the long run, if the woman doesn’t feel sexually stimulated by her partner, sex may become rare.
Faking Orgasms
Orgasms get faked in situations where female partners are trying to please their partners. Sometimes, they are afraid to hurt their partner’s feelings, or they don’t think they have a right to sexual pleasure. But when someone fakes an orgasm, they feed their partner misinformation that will hurt them both in the long run. Plus, they can feel stuck living up to something (like faking an orgasm every time) that makes them feel resentful, and it will become more difficult to let their partner know about every time they do it.
How to Increase Desire
Many factors come into play that can inhibit female desire. For instance, if there is trouble in the relationship, it is especially hard for women to compartmentalize the anger and feel sexual arousal instead. Further, being too exhausted can prevent women from maximizing their desire.
When your or your partner’s desire is low, the source of the problem must be identified. Continuing to have unwanted sex will make one partner feel resentful, or the constant rejection will make the other partner feel unloved. Neglecting this issue can be harmful—even irreparable—for your relationship.
Trying new things can help increase desire. Doing the same thing over and over isn’t much of a turn-on for anyone. Whether you want to read erotica together, engage in role-play, or bring some sex toys into the bedroom, the sensory experience of doing something new helps your body and mind engage more in the sexual act. If you’re comfortable, sharing a sexual fantasy you have with your partner can be highly erotic, too—even if you have no plans to try it in real life. Giving your partner access to your hidden, sexual thoughts can feel vulnerable and sexy to both of you.
Stay Curious
Approaching partners of any gender with curiosity is the best way to ensure they feel sexual desire and reach orgasm. When the curiosity goes away and is replaced by routine, it’s vital to return to a place of discovery within your relationship to rekindle your sexual desire. Opening your relationship up to new experiences and feelings is critical for your sexual health. If you would like some expert help in taking your sex life from average to extraordinary, try reaching out to a specialized therapist who can give you science-backed tips.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.