As men age, their sexuality changes, too. But people with penises that are used to having rock-hard erections whenever they want them may find that their needs are changing the older they get. If your erections are not what they used to be, find out how you can still have a satisfying, pleasurable sex life—and perhaps a sex life that’s wilder than ever before.
The Science of Erections
Young men typically have no problem merely thinking about their partner and getting an erection. But the older you get, the more this changes. With age comes the need for more physical stimulation to produce enough blood flow for a penetrative erection. If you’re concerned that your problem is unrelated to age, keep in mind that to qualify as erectile dysfunction, you must have difficulty getting an erection 75% of the time—or more. If this is something that has only occurred a couple of times, chances are, something else is coming into play. Other physiological causes, like diabetes, can lead to ED because of the associated nerve damage. If you never have any trouble masturbating, then it’s likely not physiological and not ED.
The Psychology of Erections
When physiology is not the cause of the trouble, psychology often is. Anxiety and depression can both harm your ability to achieve an erection. With these conditions, a prescription intended to tread ED directly, unfortunately, will not solve the whole problem. Removing factors that are causing anxiety or changing your antidepressants may be a great start to having your sex drive return.
How to Address the Issue
Physiological problems are often solved either by addressing the underlying medical issue, if possible, or incorporating a prescription for a vasodilator like Viagra. Testosterone replacement therapy is another option if you fit the medical criteria as determined by your doctor. Other possibilities abound even if your issue isn’t physical, so if you haven’t found success with prescriptions, it’s important to keep trying.
Next, consider your expectations. Maybe you don’t get an erection as fast you did in the past, but if you still get one with some work, that’s worth celebrating. Communication about what is working in the moment will help, too. Tell your partner what you love about what they are doing, or ask to try something new. If you’re both used to relying on one path toward orgasm, your partner will likely be excited for a break in the routine, as well.
Also, consider new paths to erection with your partner, which means exploring sex that isn’t penetration oriented. When is the last time you took penetrative sex off the table and focused on other types of sex? Shifting the focus can be erotic for both partners, and you might find something you like better than your old routine. If you can talk about your fantasies with your partner without shame, that can increase intimacy and arousal for both of you.
Partners of People With Erectile Dysfunction—Or Any Disorder Preventing Great Sex
When people have a sexual disorder of some kind, they may feel a sense of stigma and shame about it. Though it’s natural and often solvable, the man may have trouble discussing it with his partner. However uncomfortable it may be, it’s so imperative to the relationship to have an open conversation about what’s happening. Otherwise, the partner may internalize the lack of erection as a lack of arousal—and wonder if their partner is no longer attracted to them. To avoid compounding the issue, have a conversation about what’s happening and possible causes.
Don’t Give Up
Managing or recovering from anxiety and depression is possible, but it takes time and effort. Moving toward mindfulness in your body won’t just help you get erections—it can also make the experience of sex more meaningful and intense. Working with a dependable therapist can help you find long-term solutions to the problems that are happening for you in the bedroom. This is also the best path if you think the sexual problems are related to your relationship. Therapists can walk you through a place of toxicity toward renewed health and closeness, so reach out to one today.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.