In the movies or the images we see in advertising or the media, the message about sex is always the same. We see everywhere that better sex starts with changes in our environment. So we go out and buy romantic candles, or a new perfume, or a new piece of lingerie. But is that really the way that better sex works?

Not according to many sex researchers and therapists, including the bestselling author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Emily Nagoski. She explains tat the brain has a dual-control model (DCM) of sexual response. If you learn to master the dual control mechanism, which impacts your internal environment, you can transform your sex life.

The Accelerator or Sexual Excitatory (SE)

One aspect that this dual model of sexual response highlights is the accelerators. These are all things that we can see, hear, smell, taste, and experience. They are external stimuli in our surroundings that our brains process as turn-ons. Our brain is always scanning the environment to assess whether the situation is sexually relevant or not. You can boost this signal by adding more accelerators, for instance by combining candles, lingerie, chocolate, and a sexy playlist of songs from Spotify.

Think of how we are told to celebrate Valentine’s Day each year. That may be the ultimate example of accelerators at work. As a sex therapist in Los Angeles, I find it fascinating to see this dynamic at work every year. Every spa, every restaurant, every business in the city seems to have a different accelerator to offer.

The Brakes or Sexual Inhibitory (SI)

However, Dr. Nagoski makes clear that those accelerators also come with a set of brakes. That’s what makes this a dual-control mechanism. For every accelerator, there is a matching brake. For instance, buying a new outfit might make you feel better about your body. But your brain is also hard at work. It is putting on the brakes by reminding you of how your body looks. And if you don’t feel great about that, it will directly impact your eagerness to enter into a new physical relationship.

Sexual brakes consist of our neurological off switches. The central nervous system is also always examining our surroundings to find reasons why it is not safe to experience sexual arousal. Stress, exhaustion, and anger are some common examples of sexual brakes.

The dual model of sexual response helps me clarify variations in the sexual wellbeing of many of my clients. In my sex therapy practice in Los Angeles, I often hear my clients’ frustration. They say that no matter how much they focus on adding sexual excitement to their lives, they continue to have little desire. In most cases, I counsel them to identify their brakes. Only after removing these brakes, they notice a shift in their sexual energy. In today’s society, we do not lack accelerators. Our sexual dysfunction tends to come from an excess of brakes.

Phantom Sexuality

Once you understand how sex works in your brain, you can begin to master this dual-control mechanism. Then you will be in a much better position to improve your sex life. For one thing, you will be better able to filter out the messages from society that each of us receives on a daily basis. Dr. Nagoski calls these messages of “phantom sexuality”—the stylized representation of sexuality that society imposes on you.

However, what happens when your phantom sexuality doesn’t match your real sexuality? It could lead to what some people commonly refer to as sexual hang-ups. One example of this is a woman who enjoys having sex. Enjoying sex might not sound like a problem, but we receive mixed messages everywhere about it. In the movies, such women are “sluts” (or, even worse, “whores”). It is only natural for people to feel that something is wrong with them and to doubt their sexuality.

Phantom sexuality is also found in the idea that only certain physical types can have sex and enjoy it. Think of the pop culture stereotypes that we see—a  woman considered “sexy” is usually of a certain size or shape. It is only natural for some women to feel that, if they don’t fit the ideal, they cannot enjoy sex.

In my practice, I help my clients identify the body-negative messages that get in the way of enjoying all aspects of their lives. When I have clients who struggle with body image, I use Dr. Linda Bacon’s concept of health at every size (HAES). With this, Dr. Bacon expresses the idea that women of all sizes and shapes can embrace and accept who they are. Over time, they can learn to deal with a destructive body image. This is absolutely critical, because shame about your body size and shape can do more harm than you might expect.

Perhaps the most fascinating aspect of Dr. Nagoski’s work is her analysis of how the brain responds to different phases in a romantic relationship. This shows how much it craves feelings of secure attachment. In fact, says Dr. Nagoski, the yearning for attachment is a biological mechanism hard-wired into our brains. Falling in love is magical and spiritual, yes, but it is also biological. Imagine tiny neurotransmitters pumping out pleasure hormones as you fall in love, and you can understand why the feeling is so powerful.

Once you begin to learn how sex works in the brain, you may start to have sex on the brain. To find out more on Dr. Nagoski’s approach on why and how your sexuality and desire work, check out my recent podcast interview with her

So the next time you are having trouble with sex in your life, whether you are not having enough or maybe aren’t enjoying it—think back to the dual-control mechanism. The problem might not be that you don’t have enough stimulation or “accelerators” in your life. Instead, it might be that you have too many brakes on your sex life, holding you back.