Sexual avoidance can take many forms. You may knowingly look for excuses to avoid the sexual problems you’re facing in the bedroom—or it may be completely subconscious. But either way, avoiding sex can be a straightforward path toward a sexless relationship. Let’s discuss some ways to repair your relationship after sexual avoidance and reconnect sexually with your partner.
What Sexual Avoidance Looks Like
Some couples may overtly say, “I’m not interested in having sex with you right now,” but often, sexual avoidance is more subtle. You may notice that you (or your partner) are keeping so busy that there is no time for sex. Or you may stop wearing lingerie and sexy clothes altogether and simply opt for sweatpants so that they don’t get the wrong idea. Having permanently different sleeping schedules where you go to bed after your partner or get up before also can be a form of sexual avoidance. Simply stopping these behaviors won’t solve the root cause that has led to the sexual avoidance, however.
Causes of Sexual Avoidance
There are a couple of different ways that people fall into a pattern of avoiding sex. You can have a satisfying sexual relationship again, but first, you must identify what’s causing you to avoid sex before you can fix it.
Some people may find it difficult to have sex with their partner because of relational issues. In that case, they may still masturbate or otherwise have a healthy libido. It could be that you just moved in together or got married, and you’re starting to feel a bit more like roommates than like lovers.
Other people may find that they lack interest in sexual gratification of any kind, including self-pleasure. This situation can arise due to many reasons, including starting a new prescription medication, depression, anxiety, or even issues with body image. Sexual disorders can cause you to begin avoiding sex, too, like erectile dysfunction, pain during sex, or anorgasmia.
Solving Sexual Avoidance
Sometimes what helps couples is to get a little space from their partner. If you spend nearly every waking moment together, having sex can almost feel incestuous because your partner feels so much like family. Taking time to nurture your individual interests separately and reconnect with your friends can give you a break from your partner. And when you have a little bit of space from them, you might start to miss them—and want them. It gives you the chance to bring back some sensual energy to the relationship.
If you’re experiencing sexual avoidance, the most important thing you can do is talk about it with your partner. Letting a shameful silence surround the fact that you’ve stopped having sex will only worsen the problem. And it will only become more intimidating to broach the topic the longer you wait to address the issue so, taking immediate action is the best option. Plus, opening up about potential issues that could be contributing to the lack of sex can help you bond, and it will also help you feel comfortable talking about other sexual issues in the future. Just ensure you both actively listen to each other and stay empathetic rather than blaming each other for the problems you’re facing.
Working with a therapist can help you move past sexual avoidance to a place of sexual chemistry and magnetism. Reach out to me if you’d like a free consultation!
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to take the sex quiz for women.