Having an orgasm doesn’t come easily to everyone—no pun intended. Whether due to culture, the stigma around masturbation, or lack of sex education, finding out how to pleasure yourself takes effort and persistence. As a sex therapist, I believe anyone who wants to experience orgasm can—given the right set of circumstances. So, rather than waiting for someone else to understand your body, you can speed the process along by learning about it yourself first, and then you can more easily explain what you like to future sex partners.
Inability to Climax Is Common
Acknowledging that you’re having trouble reaching climax is the first step to progress. Next, understand that you’re not alone. In fact, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual V says that 40% of women will suffer from sexual dysfunction in their lifetime, which is a staggering statistic. Even though this is common, women might experience self-blame and feel as if they are broken when they don’t easily and frequently reach orgasm with a partner.
Consider Your Arousal
If you’re not getting turned on while having sex, you’re going to have trouble climaxing. Sometimes, foreplay is quick and ineffective at turning women on, especially when it feels like an obligation before you get to the “real” sex. But for many women, stopping short during foreplay can practically guarantee that they will not reach orgasm.
Mention Your Sexual Interests
Some people hope that their partner will be able to read their sighs and moans and interpret how to have sex with them. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. Speaking up about what you like in bed is important, especially if you have a kink or are into BDSM-style sex. Your partner may never guess, and waiting any more than you have to for sexual pleasure is too long.
Reflect on Your Relationship
Stress about your relationship can make its way into the bedroom, unfortunately. If you’re worried about money or have unresolved issues with your partner, those feelings will likely surface at the worst possible time: when you’re trying to have an orgasm.
Check Your Medication Cabinet
Medications can hamper your ability to have an orgasm, too. Antidepressants, pain relievers, sleep aids, and many other types of prescriptions can have side effects that make climaxing difficult, if not impossible. Reach out to your doctor if you believe this to be a problem, and find out if you’re able to switch medications. While you’re at the doctor, ask them to check for any other medical causes of sexual troubles. This can rule out underlying conditions that may be factoring in as well.
Take the Pressure Off
For some, the orgasm is the entire point of sex. But for others, sex is about so much more. If you’ve never or rarely had an orgasm, it can be tough to focus on anything else. But when you develop a laser-like focus on orgasm, it can put a lot of pressure on you and your partner. Try to approach sex as a form of exploration rather than a journey with a set destination.
Have a Bit Less to Drink
Though alcohol can relieve your inhibitions, it can also dull your sensitivity. When you’re going to have sex, skip the alcohol so that you can be as focused as possible on the activity at hand.
Think About Your Upbringing
Some people grow up with shameful messages about sex. These stick with you throughout your adult life unless you work to remove them from your mind. If you learned that sex was dirty or wrong or that you would definitely get an STI if you had sex, this can subconsciously eliminate your desire and reduce your chance of reaching orgasm.
Aging and Mental Health Can Be Factors, Too
Though it’s not often talked about, aging can hamper your sex drive as well. People with penises may experience erectile dysfunction, and those with vulvas may suffer from vaginal dryness. These are frequently treatable, but it’s good to be aware that they are common experiences.
Your mental health will directly influence your ability to orgasm, as well. Stress, anxiety, depression, and other issues can distract you from sexual pleasure and redirect your focus to something negative in your life. This means instead of experiencing the pleasure your body is feeling, you return to your thoughts and are brought out of the sexual experience.
Start Masturbating
When you know what you like in bed, you can communicate it better, so masturbation is key. Before you get started, do something that turns you on whether it’s listening to an erotic podcast, reading erotica, or watching porn. Then, use a body-safe lubricant and touch yourself in front of a mirror. The mirror will help you see which areas are pleasurable, overly sensitive, or perhaps dull. Then you will have the language to explain this to your partner.
Try a Toy
Sometimes a toy can help you explore your body. If you’ve never invested in a vibrator or other sex toy, consider changing that! Sex toys are useful for bringing women to orgasm, so ignore any stigma you have about buying sex toys.
Reach Out to a Therapist
Sex therapists know what works and what doesn’t. If you’ve never tried seeing a therapist before, you should. Working with a therapist that specializes in sex can help you work toward not just having better orgasms but also having a healthy, satisfying sex life.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist.