Having “the talk” with your kids is something that many parents dread as much as kids do—but a lot of times, this is because the parents don’t have any solid guidance on how to make the conversation positive rather than awkward. Talking to your kids about sex early and often is a way to create a comfortable, nourishing atmosphere of sex-positivity in your home, and it can help your kids develop healthy associations about sex. So, how do you have a conversation that’s confident, helpful, and not weird? Tips are on their way, below.
Tip#1: Start Before You Think You Need To
Don’t wait until your kids know more than you do to start having the talk. A lot of misinformation about what sex is and isn’t starts in the gossip mill as early as elementary school. So, it’s vital to, at the very least, let your young kids know that they don’t need specifics yet, but they are free to come to you any time with questions.
It’s imperative to lay the foundation before masturbation begins so that kids know what is okay to do in public versus private. Many parents worry that bringing up the topic of sex will encourage kids to start thinking about it, but this is generally not the case. And since sex is as ubiquitous as it is in music, television, movies, and even billboard advertisements, chances are your kid has had at least peripheral queries about the issue.
Some children may accidentally walk in on their parents while they’re having sex. The best thing you can do is try not to react in horror—because children can pick up on your feelings. Let little children know that this is the way you express love for each other and that you’re safe. Then make a plan to avoid this situation in the future, either by locking the door or enforcing a “no entry before knocking” type of rule.
Tip#2: Use the Available Science
Kids appreciate it when you take them seriously. Skip the twee nicknames for genitals and sex acts, and describe them accurately. When you use euphemism and rewording for sexual parts, kids understand that speaking plainly about these things is shameful, which is not the lesson you want to leave them with.
Further, list all the options for birth control and talk about which ones sound like the best options. This aspect of sexual health is a necessary part of the conversation for older children, so they know that planning to be safe in advance is an integral part of the sexual experience.
Tip #3: Clarify Your Values
Parents need to communicate their values about sex to their children, and in every situation possible, they need to do so without shaming the child. If you encourage honesty and fidelity in your home, mention this. Give reasons that led you to your values, both sexually and otherwise, so that they have some context for understanding their own sexual values.
People’s feelings about porn vary widely, but it’s important to communicate how you feel about it before they find some online. Even if it’s something you don’t agree with watching, it needs to be discussed, because sooner or later, it will be available to your child. Consider letting them know about the vast expanse of porn and the importance of consent. Convey that watching porn will impact their view of sex, and that porn is not an accurate depiction of reality by any stretch of the imagination.
If your child tells you that they’re pregnant (or that they are the partner of someone pregnant), keep in mind that this is potentially the most vulnerable moment of their lives. Your emotions may range from disappointment to anger, and you will likely share some of these with your child. But if you focus on shame, you will undoubtedly put a strain on your relationship. Keep the focus on how you will support them in the future and the options that they have for dealing with this.
Tip #4: Don’t Rely on the School System
This is the most important tip. No matter what school your child attends, chances are you won’t agree 100% with their sex education and that the education will bring up questions for your child. Mention your values and what you’ve learned in advance of the school’s information so that your kids have a framework to understand what they’re taught at school.
If you have questions about talking with your child about sex, a sex therapist can give you talking points. Reach out to a therapist you trust, so that you are confident your child has accurate and comprehensive information.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.