Photo by Dainis Graveris on SexualAlpha
Some people consider sex a primal activity that should be intuitive, natural, and shouldn’t need a lot of discussion. But when you rely on instinct rather than critical thinking in your sex life, it’s easy to fall prey to habits, insecurities, and other negative behaviors that you’d rather leave behind. The good news is that you have a lot more control over your sexual inclinations than you might think.
Your sexuality isn’t set in stone; it’s more like a lifelong project (though it’s a fun project!) that requires thought, effort, and practice before you can achieve a mastery of it. When you view your sexuality as a project, you may feel more empowered to take action to change how future events unfold.
If you could map out where your sexuality began and chart specific, formative turning points that gave you insight, you could see how you got to where you are now. Further, you can see whether or not you want to keep the information you gathered in the process. Some of the lessons you learned might be valuable; others, not so much. Going forward, you can sculpt your sexuality precisely the way you want it. Try the three steps below that will help you start fresh.
1. Get Rid of the Information That No Longer Serves You
Sex makes a lot of people nervous because it’s such an intimate activity. And nervous people want facts and examples to follow—not open-ended answers. So, a lot of people receive misinformation from magazines or other unreliable sources, but they’re not always beneficial or correct.
Everyone absorbs a certain amount of information from social media, pop culture, and pornography that is not necessarily going to improve their sex lives. Some people even pick up limitations that don’t serve them. For instance, it’s never reasonable to compare your sex life to the very edited, posed, and scripted world of pornography that may incorrectly suggest to you how a penis should look, how women sound when they orgasm, or what is sexy. So, if you can think back to when you learned a lesson in self-judgment from sexual media—like that you’re not sexy enough or you don’t perform adequately— you can unlearn those lessons, too.
Picture yourself as a sculptor, working on your sex life. When self-judging thoughts that bring you out of a sensual mood arise, notice them, but then trim them away from your sculpture. You may have a voice inside saying you’re not enough, but you can refuse to give that voice a platform inside of your head.
2. Creating Boundaries
If you are trying to redefine what your sexuality is—or at least take a critical look at it—boundaries are essential. It may seem counterintuitive, but boundaries help us become more open-minded in the bedroom. When you create sexual boundaries, not only do you know what you don’t want, but you can take it a step further and understand why. When you know why you have the boundaries in place that you do, you have so much mental space for experimenting with all of the activities that don’t cross your boundaries.
Keep in mind that as you open yourself up to new possibilities within your sex life, you’ll want to keep a close eye on your emotional state. When you try new things, listen to how they make you feel, rather than trying to stifle any emotions that arise. As you gain a better awareness of where your feelings are coming from, you’ll be better able to regulate your emotions or determine if your sex life is aligned with your values. If it’s not, this could be setting off your internal distress signals.
3. Reimagining Success in the Bedroom
Our culture defines what good sex looks like very narrowly: typically hetero-normative, long-term relationship, vanilla sex that ends with orgasms. And while that is a perfectly fine way to go about your sex life, having goal-oriented sex sucks the creativity out of your experience. If you can determine what makes sex great for you and your partner, whether it’s an expression of affection, time to relax together, or playful kink, you can reduce the pressure to have an orgasm or perform in a certain way—and you may have a lot more fun while you’re at it.
If you’d like guidance toward a fulfilling sex life uninhibited by your past experiences, find a sex therapist that you trust to help you along the way.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.
Some people consider sex a primal activity that should be intuitive, natural, and shouldn’t need a lot of discussion. But when you rely on instinct rather than critical thinking in your sex life, it’s easy to fall prey to habits, insecurities, and other negative behaviors that you’d rather leave behind. The good news is that you have a lot more control over your sexual inclinations than you might think.
Your sexuality isn’t set in stone; it’s more like a lifelong project (though it’s a fun project!) that requires thought, effort, and practice before you can achieve a mastery of it. When you view your sexuality as a project, you may feel more empowered to take action to change how future events unfold.
If you could map out where your sexuality began and chart specific, formative turning points that gave you insight, you could see how you got to where you are now. Further, you can see whether or not you want to keep the information you gathered in the process. Some of the lessons you learned might be valuable; others, not so much. Going forward, you can sculpt your sexuality precisely the way you want it. Try the three steps below that will help you start fresh.
1. Get Rid of the Information That No Longer Serves You
Sex makes a lot of people nervous because it’s such an intimate activity. And nervous people want facts and examples to follow—not open-ended answers. So, a lot of people receive misinformation from magazines or other unreliable sources, but they’re not always beneficial or correct.
Everyone absorbs a certain amount of information from social media, pop culture, and pornography that is not necessarily going to improve their sex lives. Some people even pick up limitations that don’t serve them. For instance, it’s never reasonable to compare your sex life to the very edited, posed, and scripted world of pornography that may incorrectly suggest to you how a penis should look, how women sound when they orgasm, or what is sexy. So, if you can think back to when you learned a lesson in self-judgment from sexual media—like that you’re not sexy enough or you don’t perform adequately— you can unlearn those lessons, too.
Picture yourself as a sculptor, working on your sex life. When self-judging thoughts that bring you out of a sensual mood arise, notice them, but then trim them away from your sculpture. You may have a voice inside saying you’re not enough, but you can refuse to give that voice a platform inside of your head.
2. Creating Boundaries
If you are trying to redefine what your sexuality is—or at least take a critical look at it—boundaries are essential. It may seem counterintuitive, but boundaries help us become more open-minded in the bedroom. When you create sexual boundaries, not only do you know what you don’t want, but you can take it a step further and understand why. When you know why you have the boundaries in place that you do, you have so much mental space for experimenting with all of the activities that don’t cross your boundaries.
Keep in mind that as you open yourself up to new possibilities within your sex life, you’ll want to keep a close eye on your emotional state. When you try new things, listen to how they make you feel, rather than trying to stifle any emotions that arise. As you gain a better awareness of where your feelings are coming from, you’ll be better able to regulate your emotions or determine if your sex life is aligned with your values. If it’s not, this could be setting off your internal distress signals.
3. Reimagining Success in the Bedroom
Our culture defines what good sex looks like very narrowly: typically hetero-normative, long-term relationship, vanilla sex that ends with orgasms. And while that is a perfectly fine way to go about your sex life, having goal-oriented sex sucks the creativity out of your experience. If you can determine what makes sex great for you and your partner, whether it’s an expression of affection, time to relax together, or playful kink, you can reduce the pressure to have an orgasm or perform in a certain way—and you may have a lot more fun while you’re at it.
If you’d like guidance toward a fulfilling sex life uninhibited by your past experiences, find a sex therapist that you trust to help you along the way.
Bio: Dr. Nazanin Moali is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in the Los Angeles area. She works with various individuals to understand and improve their sexuality. Dr. Moali conducts personal consultation sessions in her Torrance and Hermosa Beach offices, or via a secure, online video-counseling platform. Click here to download the 101 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Hot checklist. Download her new ebook, How to Increase Your Libido – For Women, here.