It is estimated that currently 20 million Americans are suffering from sexual addiction. However, we almost always hear about sex addiction when a celebrity gets caught cheating on his significant other, and the label of sexual addiction gets used as a way to absolve the individual of any responsibility.

Sex addiction is still somewhat taboo, and is certainly one of the most misunderstood types of addiction. Indeed, our society has more compassion for those suffering from other addictions (e.g. alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, gambling). However, we are much more likely to view sexual addiction as “a moral failing.”

It is important to note that the discovery of inappropriate sexual behavior (e.g. having affairs, hiring prostitutes, visiting brothels) does not necessarily mean that a person is a sex addict. Rather, it is one’s pathological relationship with these behaviors that signifies a sexual addiction. As such, behavior that might be considered normal for one person could be a sign of an addictive pattern in another person.

While each individual’s addiction may present itself in different ways, I have observed similar patterns in my consultations with individuals suffering from sexual addiction, which will be considered below.

Loss of Control

Loss of control is a key element of addictive behavior. Certainly, individuals with a sex addiction often report a loss of control with regard to one or all of their sexual acts. To put it another way, sex becomes a compulsion rather than a choice. To give an example, I have been working with a lawyer who initially sought help for his marital discord. However, after a few months of therapy, he revealed that every night after his family goes to bed, he watches porn for five to six hours. Every night, he promises himself that he will not engage in this behavior more than 30 minutes. Unfortunately, when he starts, he is unable to stop, spending hours behind his computer watching porn until morning.

Continuation Despite Consequences

Individuals with sexual addictions risk losing everything in order to continue their addictive behaviors. I used to treat a 36-year-old female, who was married and the mother of two children. She would have serial affairs with strangers who she met in various chat rooms. She used to leave her toddlers at home alone for hours and go out to meet these strangers at hotels. Although she values her family highly, she could not stop these compulsions. She had been feeling trapped by this sexual compulsivity for several years prior to her marriage, and she thought if she got married she would stop. Unfortunately, after she got married, the secrecy of her addictive behaviors, which continued, only exacerbated her addiction.

Escalation

Just as with other addictions, individuals who are struggling with sex addiction will experience changes in the acuity of their behaviors throughout their lives. For period of time, they might even have an illusion that they “have it under control”; however, the compulsions almost always escalate to more intense, more frequent, and riskier behaviors. A client of mine, a 56-year-old man, the founder of a successful startup in Silicon Valley, was arrested for having a sexual relationship with a minor. He reported that during early stages of his addiction he used to be able to limit it to one visit to a local massage parlor a month; however, prior to his arrest, he felt his compulsion was running his life.

As a psychologist working from a sex-positive perspective, I respect and value diversity in human sexual behavior and I believe it is important to be cautious about using the term sexual addiction. Many people throw around the term “sex addict” when they encounter someone who has a different sexual appetite, performance, or behavior. It is important to examine individuals’ histories and presentation prior to using the term; however, similar to alcohol and drug addictions, sexual addiction, if it remains untreated, can lead to devastating consequences for the individual and his or her family.